Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I want to take a few moments to tell everyone what I'm thankful for this year...

I'm thankful (and grateful) for my husband, Chris. He has been there for me in so many ways. I knew he was the one for me when he okayed to move away from our family and friends down south (only about 1 1/2 hrs away) so that I could go to the vet tech school I wanted to go to. Not to mention dealing with me WHILE I was in school! He work sooo many hard long hours so that I didn't have to work much while in school. I truly married my best friend! And when we decided to start our family he was just as excited as me when we found out we were pregnant, even excited when we found out we were having a girl. I'm so thankful that he helped make Makenzie. And when the ending didn't come out as planned, there is no one that I would have been able to make it thru than with him. I know that he was hurting too but he was there to pick up my pieces and help hold me together. When we talked about trying for a little sibling, he was ready before me but said that whenever I was ready we would try again. And as this pregnancy continues he has lifted my spirits and calmed me when needed. Chris is my everything and I would do anything for him. I am so thankful to say that I have found my soulmate.

There is no way I could not be thankful for my family and friends. They have all been there for us in so many ways. I have heard stories of others who have lost their babies and tell us about their horrible families and the things they have to deal with and that makes me so sad that they don't have the support of family and friends. Our lives have been flipped upside down (and twisted a few times too) that if it wasn't for my family and friends we would still be upside down. I know that our world is still shity without Makenzie but with our family it has made it less hard to live thru the shit.

I'm thankful for this second chance I have with the Jellybean. It's hard to think that this chance could end like the first, but I'm glad that there is still a glimmer of hope growing inside me. I'm so thankful for Makenzie. She has taught me the most in such a short time. She has taught me to live life to the fullest, to make more time for family and friends. To enjoy the little things because those things could be gone in any moment. And when I'm up every 2 hours with a screaming baby (hopefully) to enjoy those times and not to get upset because God has given us 2 that I watch over and another to watch over us.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

6 months

So I have finally decided that I was ready to talk about 10/29 which marked Makenzie's 6 months since being an angel.

The week leading up to it was scary...I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. But it was that Friday (10/28) that was the hardest. That was the day that my world came crashing down. The day that we were told our daughter was dead.

I woke up feeling okay but it wasn't until I had to go and see the world since I had to work that day. I felt like all I wanted was to be alone but at the same time I didn't want my mind to wonder and to remember that day. So I went on with my day...not every well but I made it through. Not without a few break downs.

Saturday...My parents and my brother came down to spend the day with us and the boys went golfing (since it was a beautiful day) and my mom and I went shopping. After they left, Chris and I decided that we would finally look at the color originals that we got from Now I lay Me Down To Sleep. I had emailed the photographer that took Makenzie's photos and asked for the un-touched originals since we didn't have any color photos of her. It took us about a week to get the nerve to look at them. I had forgotten how pale she looked. I know that photos aren't always the best when it comes to shades and lighting can make the color look different too. But I had forgotten how bad her skin had looked...where it had peeled. At that moment I felt like a horrible mom, not remembering how she looked on that short day...that only day we had with her. But I guess I only remember holding her and loving her and remembering that she was our daughter and she was perfect in our eyes.

I can't believe that 6 months have come so fast. I watch other moms who have 6 month olds and I can't even picture what she would look like...I only have this picture in my mind of my newborn (even though she was 8lbs 11oz...not really the size of a newborn). We joke when we see 6 month olds that they are just now the size that Makenzie was at birth and that makes me smile. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about her and how my life would have been but I wouldn't change one second of that day if it meant that I wouldn't have had my daughter.

I love you Makenzie and you will forever be in our hearts!