Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A bad Morning

This morning I woke up and all I had on my mind was Makenzie...more than usual. Every morning I lay in bed and wait until Landen moves then I feel like I can go on with my day. And as I laid there waiting (not long) I started to think about that morning when I noticed Makenzie wasn't moving. Then that whole 2 days just started to rush back to me like it was happening again. Every moment of those days became clear to me in my mind, like I was watching a movie. Who would want to see that movie?! I'm not sure if I had a dream about her or I just woke up thinking about her more than normal. It's strange how on days that I talk about her alot I'm ok and on random days I feel like I'm falling apart and can't keep it together. I guess today is one of those days. I think it's finally setting in that her 1st birthday is right around the corner. I want to have a birthday gathering for her but it has to be perfect and maybe that's what I'm worried about...the planning. Maybe subconsciously I'm worried about Landen. I'm now in my 3rd trimester and April is fast approaching. If it happened to me once I know that it could always happen again. Maybe it's mixture of both. April will be so sad and hopefully happy at the same time. I knew that I would have to deal with Makenzie's 1st birthday regardless if we were not pregnant, pregnant, or have a baby... I just don't want it to come. That means that 2 years will come and 5 years and 10 years will come and Makenzie will not be here to grow up and live her life with us. Instead we will celebrate her short 40wks and 3 day life. I would NEVER wish this feeling on anyone in the whole world. No one should have to feel this way about their child. Everyone says that Chris and I are so strong...but really some days I feel sooooo weak that I can hardly make it out of bed. I try to look strong on the outside but inside I'm screaming at the world for moving on in it's everyday when MY world wants to stop. I hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...Landen healthy and alive. But I still have about 11 weeks to go and until I hear him cry I don't think I will be any more sane. And then I have SIDS to freak out about! I hope that Makenzie will help us through this. I just miss her so much.