A Me Day

I started my day with an 1hour massage. It was amazing (thank you Becky!)!!! Then after that I went dress shopping for my 10yr reunion. And I was very surprised that I had fun shopping. Normally I hate clothes shopping because I can never find things that look good on me. But I think I had more than a dozen dresses to try on and found a couple that fit. All I had to do was narrow them down. Finally I found one that looks great on me. That made me feel pretty good about myself. I like that I feel pretty again. I was feeling like I had this belly with no proof that I had a baby like so many other moms who get to "show" the reason why they still have a little belly fat. It feels good to look great in a dress! I saw the old me in the mirror today. And to top it off I saved more than what my dress actually cost! I love saving money! I think I can wear the dress again for a nice night out, party, etc.

After finding my dress, Chris, Burley (my brother-in-law), and I went to the movies. It was a great movie but in the back of my mind all I could think about was babies! I'm not sure what brought that up during the movie since it was Transformers 3 (in 3D) but I was thinking about how exciting it would be to be pregnant again. I almost felt as exciting as when we were thinking about getting pregnant with Makenzie! The little butterflies in my stomach thinking about trying again...but it could also be because I was having a good day. I was doing ok at the mall even when I saw sooooo many babies. I was a little angry at them for having something that I want so badly. But that goes without saying most of the time. I'm wondering if that excited (maybe ready) feeling will pass tomorrow or on one of my bad days. Sometimes it's like I really can't trust the way I feel because it always changes. That's why I'm not sure if I will ever know when I'm ready again...it seems to always change. I'm sure that I will be very excited (and nervous) when we do get pregnant again but the not knowing is very scary and I'm sure that feeling will never go away. Maybe I just have to jump into it with faith and hope that He catches me.

Random thoughts

I've been talking to my family and close friends about when we might start to try again and it's so funny that most of them have in one way or another told me to start now!!! It makes it so easy to want to now but I won't rush into it (even though some days I would love to start now!). I may say that I might be ready but in all reality I'm going to wait until at least Sept to even THINK about trying again. Chris and I have talked and it seems that emotionally I'm not quite ready yet. Deep down I keep making excuses. Like... I don't want another baby to be born on Makenzie's birthday, I've only had 2 periods and the dr recommends that we wait at least 3. Things like that. But I'm sure that if I made a pros and cons list the pros might out weight the cons. I sometimes feel like I'm playing tug-a-war with my mind and heart! I'm still waiting for my flashing sign to come...

On a different note...

We went to my niece's sweet 16 party today and it went great! We even saw a butterfly before the party started...Makenzie was with us too! It was so sweet to see Chris with our nieces and nephews. That would go on the pros list! I get excited and sad that I can't wait for Chris to play with our children!

Sorry my mind is all over the place tonight...I was thinking about a poem that someone found for me when Makenzie died and I put in her journal that I write to her and I wanted to share it with everyone...

I Am With You

Once I lived in my mother's womb,
A place for me to flourish and bloom,
And in that place I felt such love,
Until the day I was called from above.
The angels came and took me away,
Because on Earth I couldn't stay.
But my mother didn't want me to go,
Because she really loves me so.
So I spoke to God and made a deal,
That would help my mommy's heart to heal,
And so God said that I could visit,
At any time, there is no limit.
Now when she feels about to cave,
I send her courage to make her brave,
And in the night when she cries,
I am there to wipe her eyes,
And when she sits and thinks of me,
I am there sat on her knee,
When she thinks that no one cares,
I am there stroking her hair,
When it's hard for her to carry on,
I am there to make her strong.
For when you carry love in your heart,
You never really are apart.

Unsure

I should be sleeping right now...but my mind is running on full cylinders.

Chris and I were talking last night while laying in bed about Makenzie and her possible siblings. He says "I'm ready when you're ready." But then says that he's worried that I might be rushing into starting again. We wouldn't start until Sept at the earliest. He's worried that I won't be emotionally ready and that this next baby is my way of fixing things. You know when people have babies to save their marriages...he thinks that's what I'm doing. Well not trying to save our marriage (it's going great and he's the best husband ever!) but to fill the void that was left when Makenzie died. Now I'm not sure if that's why I feel ready. I know that I'm not replacing Makenzie but now there are more questions that I should be asking myself before we start again.

When I think of babies I think of joy and happiness and that's why Chris thinks that I'm trying to have a baby to fill my emotions and not to deal with her death. And the way that he said it made me stop and think about the reasons why I want to try again so soon. I know that we have time to wait but I'm not sure if I want to waste time waiting to have a live baby.

So many things to think about...I wish there was a test to take to see if you're ready to try again. But all I can do is take things one day at a time (which is hard for me sometimes since I love to plan everything!) People keep telling me that I'll know when I'm ready but how will I know... will there be a big flashing sign that says "Start having as much sex as possible!!!! You're ready to have a baby!" No, that would be too easy!!

We also talked about seeing a therapist. Chris thinks they might help by giving me coping tools and some insight on trying again. We just got the info today, so I'll be looking into it shortly. I really think that missing our support group last month (we thought it was on a different day) set us back a little. I think we might try one counseling session and if we don't like it or can't afford it than we'll just find another support group and go twice a month instead of once a month.

Well I think I'm ready for bed now. I think I got everything out that was keeping me awake!

Torture

I don't know why I do this to myself! Maybe I get some sick happiness for torturing myself...

It started out as a good day. All except Chris left to go play football but I didn't want to go due to it being far away, getting home really late, and working at 8 tomorrow morning. I was finishing a craft project for my niece's birthday party (which is always a good distraction) when all of a sudden the tears just started to flow! I'm not even sure what set them off this time. So I cried for a while (it seems to be worse when Chris isn't here to comfort me).

But that's not even what I tormented myself with...OH NO... I went into Makenzie's room. I haven't been in there for at least a couple weeks, maybe even more. And to pour salt on the wound I decided that TODAY was the day that I would empty out her dresser. We decided to leave her room the way it is until we get pregnant again. It's HER room now. But I thought that I would empty out her dresser at least and box up the clothes. Even if we have another girl, I want to be able to put those clothes back. You know...nesting. And that way if it's going to be a boy, it will make it that much easier to part with all her clothes....I don't even want to think about having a boy!!! I don't think I'm strong enough to get rid of her clothes!

Sitting in her room was soooo hard! Part of me doesn't want to believe that she's dead and part of me knows the truth. It takes all my strength not to want to trash her room, to throw things and to get angry. But I know if I do I'll regret it later. Plus I don't want to upset Chris, even though I don't think he's been in there since it's happened. I just want to scream!!!! I want to be mad at someone...to be mad at Him for taking her away from us! But I know that I'm not mad at Him. I just want to blame someone. I want to point my finger and scream at the one who took my baby away!

**************

It started out as a good day...

Fourth of July

So the fourth of July was harder than I thought it was going to be. I think alot of it was because Chris was gone all weekend. I was good all weekend...even when I was at Leavenworth and seeing a ton of butterfly things. But as soon as I saw Chris it was like a whole weekend of sadness just came rushing back.

We had gone over to my brother-in-law's house and had a BBQ. Laura (my sister-in-law) and the 4 kids were over too. Even though they are not that little, it was hard to have the kids running around and not be a little sad that Makenzie won't be joining in. I had to go outside and just sit alone for a few...to get away from all the laughter.

It was harder to go to the park to watch the fireworks...babies and kids EVERYWHERE!! Oh yeah and pregnant women too! On the way home I couldn't help but cry. It hurts soooo much to not have those kinds of times with Makenzie. It's hard not to think about what we should/would be doing if Makenzie was here. Well what do we do? Cry when I want to, I guess.

The little things...

I can't believe what can set me off sometimes...

At work I was making phone calls to clients and there was one that I was going over an estimate for their pet. I know that money can be an issue and this lady was telling me how this past month for her has been hell... As she put it "when it rains, it pours". All I could say to her was I know what she means. Then she began telling me about her last month...the car battery going out, the fridge dieing, and something else (I kinda stopped listening at that point). All I wanted to scream was "Don't be stupid!!!! You really want to hear how crappy life can be....let me tell you, lady!!!!" But again all I said was "I know what you mean." I know it's not her fault that life sucks sometimes but I couldn't help but get mad.

And to top it off, that day so happened to have been the 8 week mark. It wasn't so bad until I was driving up to see my parents and had to drive alone. I know I shouldn't have listened to my Ipod but I really wasn't thinking about it until Makenzie's song came on. I should have just skipped by it but I felt that if I did that that I was trying to forget Makenzie. I felt the NEED to listen to it. I know that I shouldn't have been driving and I'm amazed that I made it up to my parent's place in record time. At that point Chris was already up there and I had him meet me outside before going in. We'd been so busy at work last week that I haven't been able to see Chris much...only in bed since he was already sleeping when I got home. All I wanted to do was have Chris comfort me. I only wanted him at that point. He held me and let me cry some more until my eyes were dry and there weren't anymore tears for the moment.

My mom knew something was wrong, but didn't say anything to me until the next day. She said that I looked tired and upset. I just told her that it had been a hard day. That was that. I think Friday I could have been in a large group and still found something that would have triggered an ugly cry. Being alone sometimes is worse...my mind wonders when I'm alone and that can be hard.

But today WILL be a good day.

A Step Forward?

I think that I've had an epiphany...

My doctor at my 6 week check-up had said that I should wait 6 months to help with the emotions but that I physically could be ready in a few months. He said that I could start again after about 2-3 periods. Well I wasn't sure if I would be ready that soon, but when I started my period the first thought that ran through my head was "One down". Maybe I am more ready than I thought. People said that when I was ready that I would know, but I never thought that I would be ready so soon. I almost feel a little guilty for feeling that way. Like I owe it to Makenzie to mourn longer. I know that she wouldn't want that, but I keep having these mixed feelings about it. I know that those may never go away until the day that I'm pregnant again.

One down....

Yesterday I went on a walk with my friend and her 2 month old little girl again. And we even went over to their place for dinner. I wasn't sure how that would go since I knew that there would be baby stuff everywhere. All the things that I don't get to have or see unless I open Makenzie's door to her still untouched nursery. But it didn't phase me. I was even able to hold her! I could stand there holding that crying baby without tears (no tears even now). I still missed Makenzie and my heart was aching while I was holding the baby but I knew that she was not Makenzie.

I think my epiphany is that Makenzie is now my angel and there is nothing that I can do to bring her back and however sad that makes me I can't change that. But what I can change is the way that I think. I will always miss and love her and think about her every second but I can't let that run my new life...this life without Makenzie. I have to grow from this and try to think forward. My life has changed dramatically since the death and birth of my daughter, but it's what I choose to do with my life know that will help me or hurt me.

I know that I have so much support out there and that I'm truly thankful for. I just hope that I can stay true to myself and try to allow a shred of my former self out (the funny and happy person I use to be). I don't want my true former self back because that would mean that Makenzie didn't exist and everything would be back to "normal". As devastating as what happened to us was I still want my daughter to exist and it to be known that I did/do have a daughter.

I love you baby Makenzie!