Going crazy already!!!

I feel like I'm slowly going crazy...

A few weeks ago when I took my 3 pregnancy test (all positive) I thought this is it, I'm pregnant again, about to embark on this journey once again. But ever since then all I seem to think is that it can't be true. I can't get pregnant after only one month. That doesn't happen to "our kind" (people in this horrible club). I think that the negative test that came up a few days before the positive ones really has been on the front of my mind. I seem to be living on the "What ifs"... what if this is a false pregnancy cause by emotional issues or a hysterical pregnancy? What if on my first appointment where we'll suppose to see our babies heartbeat for the first time the doctor says "I'm sorry but the is no baby in there...it must be your imagination"...

Well I was driving myself so crazy that last night around 9:30 as Chris and I were sitting, watching TV, I turn to him and say that I'm going to the store. He looked at me with a strange look on his face. I told him that I was going to get a pregnancy test because I was worried that this was a false pregnancy. I told him that I was sorry for being so silly since we have 3 positives still sitting on the counter in the bathroom. He just smiled and said that I can do whatever it takes to make me feel better about this pregnancy.

So after taking yet another test...positive. But the control line was lighter than the test line so I was a little worried that my test wasn't working right. So to top it off, I took ANOTHER test this morning...positive. But this time the control line was a little darker (even though the test line came up first). Maybe it isn't a false pregnancy. 5 out of 6 seems to be in my favor. But I still can't help but be nervous for our first appointment. It's too early to start feeling crazy...what will I be like as this journey continues?! I feel sorry for my husband having to live with me and all my friends/family that I'm sure I'll drive a little crazy too with the nonsense that might be going through my head.

We've been praying every night to help us through this, and thanking God for allowing us a second chance (hopefully with a better outcome). But we know that it will be a long 9 months with many ups and downs.

I can't believe that yesterday was 4 months since we had Makenzie! I'd have to say that I had a good day. I didn't let it get to me. I still miss her but I know that she's with us always. I love you sweet angel!

Positive

So now that my family knows I can now blog about the way that I'm feeling about seeing a positive pregnancy test!

Last week (Friday) I was due for my period and it didn't come...however my first thought was that my body was out of balance due to the birth of Makenzie. So I waited. By Sunday it still didn't come so during my lunch I took a pregnancy test...negative. "So my body is out of wack...I'll just wait a few more days." Monday came and went and so on Tuesday I took a test first thing in the morning. POSITIVE! I'm so glad that Chris was there for the news. We just looked at each other and smiled. I wonder if my HCG levels were too low on Sunday and that's why it came back negative. The next morning when Chris was leaving for work I asked if we were still pregnant and he said "that's what the 3 tests in the bathroom still say!" It felt like a dream almost.

We are so excited but we can't help but be scared because we don't have the naive bliss that we did in our first pregnancy. I wish that I had milestones that I can reach and finally be less worried. But since I lost Makenzie at FULL term (past due in fact) the only way that I can pass the milestones is to give birth to a living baby...9 months later! I really hope that I will have some sanity left in me to enjoy the new baby! HaHaHa.

The other day I went to the book store to find a new pregnancy book, even though the one I have is great but it reminds me of Makenzie to much. I was reading some of the books and found that I couldn't relate to any of them because they all talk about the happy crap and only touch on some of the things that could go wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about having another baby but I also know that there is no guarantees at the end like all those books talk about. I did find one that is about pregnancy after loss. So far it's a good book and it breaks things down into trimesters and some of the things I might go through.

I still can't believe that it happened this soon. We started trying again expecting it to take a while but I guess God has different plans for us. I do feel sad for my friends who are still trying after their losses. Every night I pray for them and ask God to bless them too. It would be so nice to have friends to go through this together with. I'll keep on praying!

Unexpected event

I walk into work today (well yesterday since it's passed midnight) and my first thing I do is find the surgery tech and find out if there are any dentals to be done...none. So my next thing I always do is go into the lab and see where we are in there and what I can take over for the other techs. While in the lab I hear a young baby crying from the office around the corner. Stupid me...I follow the sound and walk around the corner. In my manger's arms is a little red headed baby I've never seen before. I ask who's the baby and they tell me it's my old co-worker's. No for those of you who don't know my work, this co-worker was pregnant the same time I was, but a month after me. That was her baby girl! All I did was look at the baby and walk away. I went straight to the treatment area and just looked at the other techs with tears in my eyes. They all looked at me and I said "I didn't know that Leanna was here with her baby....I'm sorry but can I do something back here so I don't have to see her?!" They all said that it was ok that I didn't want to see her and that I had nothing to be sorry about. I asked one of them to go tell her that I'm sorry that I couldn't see her right now. Nothing personal! My co-worker totally understood. I knew she would.

I felt sick thinking that I had to hide out in the back. Like I had to avoid her like the plague. She was there for almost 3 hours...I felt like a prisoner at my own work. I know that it was my choice to stay away but I just couldn't put myself in that kind of mood, anymore than I already was. It was so unexpected that it threw me off...talk about a curve ball right to the heart!

I've been so good around other babies but it never really hit home like today. Something about being pregnant along with someone else through your WHOLE pregnancy and seeing her baby, GIRL no less, and not having mine was really heartbreaking. I'm not sure how I'll deal when she decides to come back to work. I'm sure she'll have stories about her baby...and I won't! I'm suppose to be the one giving her advice since Makenzie would have been a month older. But that's just one more thing I WON'T be getting to do!

I do have to say that I did well, even with the curve ball. I tried to keep busy to keep from crying. That worked pretty well. Even now as I write this I'm not crying. It's more like I'm angry that I let myself get surprised by a baby. I shouldn't be scared to see babies since I'm hoping on getting pregnant again. But I let it beat me today. I was a scared little kid hiding under the covers waiting for the monster to go away from my closet. What a coward I was.

I think I do so well with my other friend's baby (who's a few weeks older than Makenzie would be) because it's on my terms. We plan things. No surprises when it comes to the meetings. There's no way that I can always plan when I'm going to see any baby but it still stings a little.

The waiting game

I'm not sure how many people know about us trying again...but we have been for about a month now. We're not charting or anything, we're just not being careful about anything if you know what I mean.

Now we wait...I'm not really counting on anything to happen this soon. That would be too easy. We're not that lucky. Cause if we were we'd still have Makenzie here with us!
I never thought that waiting a few days would be this scary and exciting at the same time! I don't want to take a pregnancy test until I'm sure that I've missed my period because I don't want to get myself all excited and it me negative (false or not). Waiting....I hate it! It scares me to think that all this waiting (and then 9 months of waiting) and there still is no guarantee that we can have a live baby in the end. That scares me the most. I swear I'm going to have to do something to help with my nervous when I become pregnant again. The whole blissful ignorance of a smooth pregnancy/labor is out the window...I don't get that luxury anymore.

Waiting...

Our camping trip

Our camping trip went well. The weather stayed nice (all except the day we left). This camping trip was suppose to be the first one that Makenzie was going to. We were looking forward to it since we started planning it in January. She would have 3 months (having me beat...I was 6 months on my first camping trip). We brought her bear, Makenzie Bear, everywhere we went, taking pictures like she was there with us. If she was there with us we would have been in the motor home all weekend due to the heat but instead we were out enjoying the sun. I think I did really well and having her bear there I think helped me. I think Makenzie Bear was in more pictures than anyone else. I know it sounds weird to have a stuffed bear in pictures but it's HER bear and that helped me to involve her in some way.



We also saw soooo many butterflies there! We kept saying that it was her and her new friends (other babies who've died) that she's met in Heaven. I only got 2 pictures of only one butterfly the whole weekend...they wouldn't land and stay long enough. But that gave me peace of mind that she was there too.



It was a relaxing weekend that was much needed with most of my family. I even got some reading in. I just got a new book called "Trying again after loss" it's about the pros and cons of trying again and the emotional steps to thinking about trying again and the feelings that may come when you do get pregnant again. It's a pretty good book, I'm glad I got it. It has helped to put things in perspective a little.

Coming home was a little hard knowing that Makenzie SHOULD have been with us all weekend. I did well through out the weekend but every little thing I would catch myself thinking about what we would be doing if she was there with us. But I did well and that's all that counts these days.

A Me Day

I started my day with an 1hour massage. It was amazing (thank you Becky!)!!! Then after that I went dress shopping for my 10yr reunion. And I was very surprised that I had fun shopping. Normally I hate clothes shopping because I can never find things that look good on me. But I think I had more than a dozen dresses to try on and found a couple that fit. All I had to do was narrow them down. Finally I found one that looks great on me. That made me feel pretty good about myself. I like that I feel pretty again. I was feeling like I had this belly with no proof that I had a baby like so many other moms who get to "show" the reason why they still have a little belly fat. It feels good to look great in a dress! I saw the old me in the mirror today. And to top it off I saved more than what my dress actually cost! I love saving money! I think I can wear the dress again for a nice night out, party, etc.

After finding my dress, Chris, Burley (my brother-in-law), and I went to the movies. It was a great movie but in the back of my mind all I could think about was babies! I'm not sure what brought that up during the movie since it was Transformers 3 (in 3D) but I was thinking about how exciting it would be to be pregnant again. I almost felt as exciting as when we were thinking about getting pregnant with Makenzie! The little butterflies in my stomach thinking about trying again...but it could also be because I was having a good day. I was doing ok at the mall even when I saw sooooo many babies. I was a little angry at them for having something that I want so badly. But that goes without saying most of the time. I'm wondering if that excited (maybe ready) feeling will pass tomorrow or on one of my bad days. Sometimes it's like I really can't trust the way I feel because it always changes. That's why I'm not sure if I will ever know when I'm ready again...it seems to always change. I'm sure that I will be very excited (and nervous) when we do get pregnant again but the not knowing is very scary and I'm sure that feeling will never go away. Maybe I just have to jump into it with faith and hope that He catches me.

Random thoughts

I've been talking to my family and close friends about when we might start to try again and it's so funny that most of them have in one way or another told me to start now!!! It makes it so easy to want to now but I won't rush into it (even though some days I would love to start now!). I may say that I might be ready but in all reality I'm going to wait until at least Sept to even THINK about trying again. Chris and I have talked and it seems that emotionally I'm not quite ready yet. Deep down I keep making excuses. Like... I don't want another baby to be born on Makenzie's birthday, I've only had 2 periods and the dr recommends that we wait at least 3. Things like that. But I'm sure that if I made a pros and cons list the pros might out weight the cons. I sometimes feel like I'm playing tug-a-war with my mind and heart! I'm still waiting for my flashing sign to come...

On a different note...

We went to my niece's sweet 16 party today and it went great! We even saw a butterfly before the party started...Makenzie was with us too! It was so sweet to see Chris with our nieces and nephews. That would go on the pros list! I get excited and sad that I can't wait for Chris to play with our children!

Sorry my mind is all over the place tonight...I was thinking about a poem that someone found for me when Makenzie died and I put in her journal that I write to her and I wanted to share it with everyone...

I Am With You

Once I lived in my mother's womb,
A place for me to flourish and bloom,
And in that place I felt such love,
Until the day I was called from above.
The angels came and took me away,
Because on Earth I couldn't stay.
But my mother didn't want me to go,
Because she really loves me so.
So I spoke to God and made a deal,
That would help my mommy's heart to heal,
And so God said that I could visit,
At any time, there is no limit.
Now when she feels about to cave,
I send her courage to make her brave,
And in the night when she cries,
I am there to wipe her eyes,
And when she sits and thinks of me,
I am there sat on her knee,
When she thinks that no one cares,
I am there stroking her hair,
When it's hard for her to carry on,
I am there to make her strong.
For when you carry love in your heart,
You never really are apart.