Thursday, December 8, 2011

What a day

November 28th (a Monday) was the day we went in for our big ultrasound. We were so nervous that things weren't well with the baby...I had this fear that there wasn't going to be a heartbeat or that they were going to find out that something was wrong with our baby. It was a building we had never been to, so that helped it to stay less scary. As we were waiting to be taking into the back I could feel my blood pressure rise by the second.

Finally, they brought us back. She lubed up my growing belly and started. First thing she looked for was the heart...BEATING!! It was so nice that the lady pointed everything out but really hard that she can't tell us if things look good/bad (only the doctor can). As she scanned Jellybean we could see how active the baby was, didn't want to stay still! The scanning continued and all of a sudden I look at the screen and I could plainly see...a leg, another leg and clearly something in between them. "It's a boy isn't it?!" The lady agreed and pointed it out to us. My mind started to spin. The tears started to fall but I tried to keep them in. I didn't want to scare the lady since she might not know why I was crying. My bladder filled up more (already full from drinking 16 oz of water before, which is really mean to do to a pregnant lady) so the lady had me use the bathroom. She wasn't in the room when I came out and I went to Chris and just cried. "We're suppose to have another girl! What are we going to do with all of Makenzie's things..." The time leading up to this we both thought it was a girl. We kept call it "her" and I really felt like it was a girl. So finding out that there was a boy inside me almost felt like a ton of bricks.

The lady returned and finished the ultrasound. I had her go back to look at the gender one last time to really confirm it (even though there is no way it couldn't be a obvious) and sure enough it was still a boy!

Calling my mom after was really hard. I tried to sound happy that he was healthy but I started to cry again. I just never thought that I should have prepared myself in case it was a boy. We came home and as I went to the bathroom, Chris went to Makenzie's room and grabbed her blanket and cried. Up until that second he was really strong. Seeing him cry in her room for his daughter and the next daughter we thought we were having was heartbreaking. It was almost like we lost another child. Things that we would miss with a little girl...gone AGAIN! We kept telling ourselves that he's healthy and we should be happy for that. But it was so hard to not think about having to put all the pink away.

We both had to work that day and as the news spread that I was carrying a boy everyone was happy for us and would tell me fun things about little boys. But there was still tears.

The next day was completely a different day and a different way of thinking... it's like I had gotten over the fact that we're not having a girl and I tried to have fun with the idea of a boy. I wanted him to have the same excitement that we gave Makenzie. I started going thru all the pink... keeping the outfits that were for Makenzie, the ones that were special to us. After that was done I just thought, since I have them out I might as well look for things we can use for our son. But that didn't end there... I started separating everything into age groups and started marking what we had. By the end of the night I had decided to post everything on Facebook to sell. It was easier than I thought. But it was just clothes to me. I didn't want to become a hoarder because we lost our daughter. I wanted to be excited about having a healthy son.

As the week went on, it was getting easier to think about having a boy. Plus hearing stories about little boys helped. The different bond that they have with their moms, and the sports/activities they can have with their dads. Now all I care about is having a healthy LIVING baby in the end.