Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Holidays

I can't believe that the holidays have come and gone. These makes two. I thought that they might be a little easier this year because of Landen but I was wrong... I couldn't help but be upset thinking about all the things she would be getting into and how different it would have been. Don't get me wrong, I loved watching Landen try his first Thanksgiving roll and opening his Christmas presents, it's just that I miss Makenzie too. It's sometimes hard to balance both.

Another hard thing happened a couple of days before brother-in-law and his wife had their baby girl and if that wasn't hard enough she weighed exactly what Makenzie weighed, 8 lbs 11 oz! We went up to see them after I got off work and as happy as I was trying to be for them I was also really scared to go. But I went and knowing that she was the same weight I wasn't planning on holding her...I was not ready for that. Once we got there I thought that if I was holding Landen I wouldn't be able to hold her, but my brother-in-law asked to see Landen, and in a whirl I was holding Olivia. Everyone was asking me if I was ok and all I could do was nod. I didn't want to ruin their day with their new baby. All I could do was stand there and try not to cry. I could only hold her for a few minutes before handing her over. We left shortly after that. But the next day I went back to show my support and it got easier...she looked nothing like Makenzie. It was the fact that while holding her my heart ached to hold Makenzie again and knowing I can never hold her in this life really hurt. I was just really missing her! But now that she's older it's fine holding her and seeing her. I love my niece!

Well Landen is now up but now that I should be able to blog a little more since I can now do it in bed! :)

Friday, September 28, 2012

Too Long

It has been too long since I last blogged...I feel so bad for that. Time just has been slipping by so fast that I keep meaning to blog and then something happens and a few days go by. But needless to say I put my things down and came to my computer and here I am...

It has been a few months since we went to our baby loss group. Well not entirely true...we have been going to a group that a few of us have kind of started on the same night but it's for pregnancy/babies after loss. That group is really nice because we seem to be in a different place now than we were last year. Anyways, on Wednesday we decided to get a sitter for Landen and go to the "old" group. We really wanted to dedicate the whole meeting to Makenzie and to tell her story (we're pretty close to those in the group and they know her story well). I have to say that it was hard to tell it again. I had been so long since we told her story our loud that even though it's always on our minds the small details of that day came flooding back to the surface! The way our doctor looked when he came into our room to tell us our baby was dead, the way I felt when they told me it was time to push...not wanting to push because that means that she would be coming out of me and we wouldn't get to take her home, getting to hold her, and the last time I would ever get to see her again. It felt horrible to tell her story, to relive it in my mind over again, but it felt good too. To tell people that she existed and that she is loved and missed.
Chris and I talked on the way home about the group...should we go back or stay with our "new" group? It's so hard because we love having the time just for Makenzie. We don't talk about Landen because there are some who it would hurt since their loss is so fresh and I know that when it was fresh for us we HATED new babies and pregnant women because they get their babies and we didn't. So out of respect to them we don't talk about him. But we're not at that place anymore...the wound is not wide open and's just wide open but not bleeding as much. Our new group is nice to talk about the feelings of having a "rainbow" baby after our loss and the struggles we face as new parents of living babies.
I think we might just switch it up ever so often. Or if we get in new people into our group we would get the opportunity to talk about Makenzie's story.

I hope to be able to blog more often now that Landen is getting bigger and taking better naps!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Little Brother

Friday, April 13th at 7:44 AM, Makenzie's little brother Landen was born...

Check in was at 5:15 AM for our scheduled c-section with the surgery starting at 7:15 AM. As we got to the hospital I was starting to get really nervous due to the fact that I was having a major surgery done. Laying in the prep room my blood pressure was getting higher and higher. But as soon as they put Landen's heart monitor on it went down (not down to normal but at least done). Everything was good for now. Finally they had me go into the very cold surgery room to get hooked up and to get my spinal done.

Let me tell you how much a spinal hurts...well it's mostly the lidocain that they inject first that hurts like hell. It's like a burning that goes down your spine and makes you want to cry out. But once that kicks in you really can't feel anything else. It was really weird to have your legs go warm, from your feet up to your lower back. They then strap my almost paralyzed legs to the bed and start prepping my body.

I could feel sensations and pulling but no pain. Then I heard the most beautiful sound I could ever hear...Landen screaming bloody murder as soon as they pulled him out. The tears just started to flow. I got to see a little of him around the drape they had. But listening to him was music to my ears. After a few minutes the drape moved and cut off my view off. I started to panic but as long as I could hear him I knew things were good. Once they got him cleaned, Chris brought him over to me to kiss (I wasn't able to hold him because my arms were out at a T with wires and IV lines). It was the most precious thing when he was crying all I did was say his name over and over again and he looked at me because he knew my voice. I was able to calm him down for a short with just my voice.

While I was in recovery, Chris took Landen to the nursery to give him his bath and get him ready to feed. It was so nice to have alone time with Chris and Landen before everyone got to meet him. We took time to feed him and bond with him and to just stare at him. He is so handsome.

This experience has been so wonderful but I can't help but think about Makenzie on that day and what we went through. But I would never change anything about the short time we got with Makenzie.

I know in my heart and soul that Makenzie is watching over us and protecting her little brother. Landen will know all about his big sister and how much we love them both.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Hospital visit

Wow it's been way too long since I've blogged. Maybe I've been holding too much in and should really come back to it.

Last Thursday I was having alot of pelvic pressure with Landen so we decided to go to the hospital to check it out. It was the first time that we have been back to Labor and Delivery since we had Makenzie. I wasn't sure how I would feel about going back. I knew that we'd have to come back to have Landen but I guess I wasn't sure how I would feel. Once we got checked into the front desk she wheeled us back. "We have room 2 available for you" said the nurse. My heart sank....that was Makenzie's room. We had told her what happened to us in that room and she was so kind as to get us into a different room. It's silly that just having a room that faced the other way helped me. But as we waited for us to be hooked up to the monitors I got to thinking about that day with Makenzie. How different this time around would be for us. The first monitor she put on me was the fetal heart was a relief to hear his heartbeat (even though I knew he was ok because he was kicking around). After the nurse left I couldn't help but cry a little. Last time we were in this hospital we didn't need the fetal heart monitor. I can't believe that it's been almost a year since Makenzie was born and we had to start to live this new life without her. Now I'm worried on how I'll feel when we go into the hospital to have Landen. I know that I'll be happy to hopefully have a healthy baby but I also know how hard it will be to know that Makenzie isn't with us (well besides in our hearts).
After an hour of monitoring and questions the hospital doctor came in to check me and there was no change from my doctor appt that Wednesday. So back home we went.

With every passing moment that Landen's not here I become a little more scared that something will go wrong. I don't sleep very well in fears that he'll stop moving. I swear Landen's going to come out and sleep alot since I don't give him much time to sleep cause all I want to do is check on him every few minutes to make sure he's alive and well. We'll be delivering him a week early but I still worry that something will go wrong and we'll be at the hospital again with horrible news. I guess this is just something I have to live with until he gets here. Then there are new worries to worry about.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A bad Morning

This morning I woke up and all I had on my mind was Makenzie...more than usual. Every morning I lay in bed and wait until Landen moves then I feel like I can go on with my day. And as I laid there waiting (not long) I started to think about that morning when I noticed Makenzie wasn't moving. Then that whole 2 days just started to rush back to me like it was happening again. Every moment of those days became clear to me in my mind, like I was watching a movie. Who would want to see that movie?! I'm not sure if I had a dream about her or I just woke up thinking about her more than normal. It's strange how on days that I talk about her alot I'm ok and on random days I feel like I'm falling apart and can't keep it together. I guess today is one of those days. I think it's finally setting in that her 1st birthday is right around the corner. I want to have a birthday gathering for her but it has to be perfect and maybe that's what I'm worried about...the planning. Maybe subconsciously I'm worried about Landen. I'm now in my 3rd trimester and April is fast approaching. If it happened to me once I know that it could always happen again. Maybe it's mixture of both. April will be so sad and hopefully happy at the same time. I knew that I would have to deal with Makenzie's 1st birthday regardless if we were not pregnant, pregnant, or have a baby... I just don't want it to come. That means that 2 years will come and 5 years and 10 years will come and Makenzie will not be here to grow up and live her life with us. Instead we will celebrate her short 40wks and 3 day life. I would NEVER wish this feeling on anyone in the whole world. No one should have to feel this way about their child. Everyone says that Chris and I are so strong...but really some days I feel sooooo weak that I can hardly make it out of bed. I try to look strong on the outside but inside I'm screaming at the world for moving on in it's everyday when MY world wants to stop. I hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...Landen healthy and alive. But I still have about 11 weeks to go and until I hear him cry I don't think I will be any more sane. And then I have SIDS to freak out about! I hope that Makenzie will help us through this. I just miss her so much.