Friday, September 28, 2012

Too Long

It has been too long since I last blogged...I feel so bad for that. Time just has been slipping by so fast that I keep meaning to blog and then something happens and a few days go by. But needless to say I put my things down and came to my computer and here I am...

It has been a few months since we went to our baby loss group. Well not entirely true...we have been going to a group that a few of us have kind of started on the same night but it's for pregnancy/babies after loss. That group is really nice because we seem to be in a different place now than we were last year. Anyways, on Wednesday we decided to get a sitter for Landen and go to the "old" group. We really wanted to dedicate the whole meeting to Makenzie and to tell her story (we're pretty close to those in the group and they know her story well). I have to say that it was hard to tell it again. I had been so long since we told her story our loud that even though it's always on our minds the small details of that day came flooding back to the surface! The way our doctor looked when he came into our room to tell us our baby was dead, the way I felt when they told me it was time to push...not wanting to push because that means that she would be coming out of me and we wouldn't get to take her home, getting to hold her, and the last time I would ever get to see her again. It felt horrible to tell her story, to relive it in my mind over again, but it felt good too. To tell people that she existed and that she is loved and missed.
Chris and I talked on the way home about the group...should we go back or stay with our "new" group? It's so hard because we love having the time just for Makenzie. We don't talk about Landen because there are some who it would hurt since their loss is so fresh and I know that when it was fresh for us we HATED new babies and pregnant women because they get their babies and we didn't. So out of respect to them we don't talk about him. But we're not at that place anymore...the wound is not wide open and's just wide open but not bleeding as much. Our new group is nice to talk about the feelings of having a "rainbow" baby after our loss and the struggles we face as new parents of living babies.
I think we might just switch it up ever so often. Or if we get in new people into our group we would get the opportunity to talk about Makenzie's story.

I hope to be able to blog more often now that Landen is getting bigger and taking better naps!