Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Holidays

I can't believe that the holidays have come and gone. These makes two. I thought that they might be a little easier this year because of Landen but I was wrong... I couldn't help but be upset thinking about all the things she would be getting into and how different it would have been. Don't get me wrong, I loved watching Landen try his first Thanksgiving roll and opening his Christmas presents, it's just that I miss Makenzie too. It's sometimes hard to balance both.

Another hard thing happened a couple of days before brother-in-law and his wife had their baby girl and if that wasn't hard enough she weighed exactly what Makenzie weighed, 8 lbs 11 oz! We went up to see them after I got off work and as happy as I was trying to be for them I was also really scared to go. But I went and knowing that she was the same weight I wasn't planning on holding her...I was not ready for that. Once we got there I thought that if I was holding Landen I wouldn't be able to hold her, but my brother-in-law asked to see Landen, and in a whirl I was holding Olivia. Everyone was asking me if I was ok and all I could do was nod. I didn't want to ruin their day with their new baby. All I could do was stand there and try not to cry. I could only hold her for a few minutes before handing her over. We left shortly after that. But the next day I went back to show my support and it got easier...she looked nothing like Makenzie. It was the fact that while holding her my heart ached to hold Makenzie again and knowing I can never hold her in this life really hurt. I was just really missing her! But now that she's older it's fine holding her and seeing her. I love my niece!

Well Landen is now up but now that I should be able to blog a little more since I can now do it in bed! :)