Thursday, December 8, 2011

What a day

November 28th (a Monday) was the day we went in for our big ultrasound. We were so nervous that things weren't well with the baby...I had this fear that there wasn't going to be a heartbeat or that they were going to find out that something was wrong with our baby. It was a building we had never been to, so that helped it to stay less scary. As we were waiting to be taking into the back I could feel my blood pressure rise by the second.

Finally, they brought us back. She lubed up my growing belly and started. First thing she looked for was the heart...BEATING!! It was so nice that the lady pointed everything out but really hard that she can't tell us if things look good/bad (only the doctor can). As she scanned Jellybean we could see how active the baby was, didn't want to stay still! The scanning continued and all of a sudden I look at the screen and I could plainly see...a leg, another leg and clearly something in between them. "It's a boy isn't it?!" The lady agreed and pointed it out to us. My mind started to spin. The tears started to fall but I tried to keep them in. I didn't want to scare the lady since she might not know why I was crying. My bladder filled up more (already full from drinking 16 oz of water before, which is really mean to do to a pregnant lady) so the lady had me use the bathroom. She wasn't in the room when I came out and I went to Chris and just cried. "We're suppose to have another girl! What are we going to do with all of Makenzie's things..." The time leading up to this we both thought it was a girl. We kept call it "her" and I really felt like it was a girl. So finding out that there was a boy inside me almost felt like a ton of bricks.

The lady returned and finished the ultrasound. I had her go back to look at the gender one last time to really confirm it (even though there is no way it couldn't be a obvious) and sure enough it was still a boy!

Calling my mom after was really hard. I tried to sound happy that he was healthy but I started to cry again. I just never thought that I should have prepared myself in case it was a boy. We came home and as I went to the bathroom, Chris went to Makenzie's room and grabbed her blanket and cried. Up until that second he was really strong. Seeing him cry in her room for his daughter and the next daughter we thought we were having was heartbreaking. It was almost like we lost another child. Things that we would miss with a little girl...gone AGAIN! We kept telling ourselves that he's healthy and we should be happy for that. But it was so hard to not think about having to put all the pink away.

We both had to work that day and as the news spread that I was carrying a boy everyone was happy for us and would tell me fun things about little boys. But there was still tears.

The next day was completely a different day and a different way of thinking... it's like I had gotten over the fact that we're not having a girl and I tried to have fun with the idea of a boy. I wanted him to have the same excitement that we gave Makenzie. I started going thru all the pink... keeping the outfits that were for Makenzie, the ones that were special to us. After that was done I just thought, since I have them out I might as well look for things we can use for our son. But that didn't end there... I started separating everything into age groups and started marking what we had. By the end of the night I had decided to post everything on Facebook to sell. It was easier than I thought. But it was just clothes to me. I didn't want to become a hoarder because we lost our daughter. I wanted to be excited about having a healthy son.

As the week went on, it was getting easier to think about having a boy. Plus hearing stories about little boys helped. The different bond that they have with their moms, and the sports/activities they can have with their dads. Now all I care about is having a healthy LIVING baby in the end.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I want to take a few moments to tell everyone what I'm thankful for this year...

I'm thankful (and grateful) for my husband, Chris. He has been there for me in so many ways. I knew he was the one for me when he okayed to move away from our family and friends down south (only about 1 1/2 hrs away) so that I could go to the vet tech school I wanted to go to. Not to mention dealing with me WHILE I was in school! He work sooo many hard long hours so that I didn't have to work much while in school. I truly married my best friend! And when we decided to start our family he was just as excited as me when we found out we were pregnant, even excited when we found out we were having a girl. I'm so thankful that he helped make Makenzie. And when the ending didn't come out as planned, there is no one that I would have been able to make it thru than with him. I know that he was hurting too but he was there to pick up my pieces and help hold me together. When we talked about trying for a little sibling, he was ready before me but said that whenever I was ready we would try again. And as this pregnancy continues he has lifted my spirits and calmed me when needed. Chris is my everything and I would do anything for him. I am so thankful to say that I have found my soulmate.

There is no way I could not be thankful for my family and friends. They have all been there for us in so many ways. I have heard stories of others who have lost their babies and tell us about their horrible families and the things they have to deal with and that makes me so sad that they don't have the support of family and friends. Our lives have been flipped upside down (and twisted a few times too) that if it wasn't for my family and friends we would still be upside down. I know that our world is still shity without Makenzie but with our family it has made it less hard to live thru the shit.

I'm thankful for this second chance I have with the Jellybean. It's hard to think that this chance could end like the first, but I'm glad that there is still a glimmer of hope growing inside me. I'm so thankful for Makenzie. She has taught me the most in such a short time. She has taught me to live life to the fullest, to make more time for family and friends. To enjoy the little things because those things could be gone in any moment. And when I'm up every 2 hours with a screaming baby (hopefully) to enjoy those times and not to get upset because God has given us 2 that I watch over and another to watch over us.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

6 months

So I have finally decided that I was ready to talk about 10/29 which marked Makenzie's 6 months since being an angel.

The week leading up to it was scary...I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. But it was that Friday (10/28) that was the hardest. That was the day that my world came crashing down. The day that we were told our daughter was dead.

I woke up feeling okay but it wasn't until I had to go and see the world since I had to work that day. I felt like all I wanted was to be alone but at the same time I didn't want my mind to wonder and to remember that day. So I went on with my day...not every well but I made it through. Not without a few break downs.

Saturday...My parents and my brother came down to spend the day with us and the boys went golfing (since it was a beautiful day) and my mom and I went shopping. After they left, Chris and I decided that we would finally look at the color originals that we got from Now I lay Me Down To Sleep. I had emailed the photographer that took Makenzie's photos and asked for the un-touched originals since we didn't have any color photos of her. It took us about a week to get the nerve to look at them. I had forgotten how pale she looked. I know that photos aren't always the best when it comes to shades and lighting can make the color look different too. But I had forgotten how bad her skin had looked...where it had peeled. At that moment I felt like a horrible mom, not remembering how she looked on that short day...that only day we had with her. But I guess I only remember holding her and loving her and remembering that she was our daughter and she was perfect in our eyes.

I can't believe that 6 months have come so fast. I watch other moms who have 6 month olds and I can't even picture what she would look like...I only have this picture in my mind of my newborn (even though she was 8lbs 11oz...not really the size of a newborn). We joke when we see 6 month olds that they are just now the size that Makenzie was at birth and that makes me smile. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about her and how my life would have been but I wouldn't change one second of that day if it meant that I wouldn't have had my daughter.

I love you Makenzie and you will forever be in our hearts!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Remembering our babies

So today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and in honor of our babies please light a candle from 7pm to 8pm...

Today The Tears Foundation put together a gathering for those who have lost their babies. It was at a beautiful chapel in Puyallup. In front of a full wall of windows that over looked Mt Rainier (if it wasn't cloudy out) sat a table with unlit candles. As we walked in we were able to write Makenzie's name on a card and decorate it anyway we wanted to. After a small speech and beautiful song we were given the chance to go up to the table and light a candle for our babies. Everyone got up and said who they were honoring. I feel blessed that I was able to go up (with tears) and say "I'm lighting this candle for my daughter Makenzie who was stillborn April 29th, 2011 at 40wks and 3 days to unknown causes. We miss you so very much!" After everyone was done there was another song and we were able to gather and meet and share our sadness with those who truly "get it". I had one woman who came up to me and she just wanted to share that she just lost her daughter (2months ago) and that our story was similar to Makenzie's. It saddens me to hear others who have to go through this pain but at least we're not alone. We talked and shared for a long while and exchanged phone numbers in case we needed some to talk to. It's so nice to have those new friends to help you through the day. I have met so many new friends in this horrible club but to see some hope on some of those faces and to see little ones running could that not give you hope?

I want to thank my brother-in-law and my soon to be sister-in-law and my good friend from work for being there for me! I know that you both have had a loss in your life and that I will always be there for you guys as you have been here for us! Thank you for the support!

And to my husband...I know that you couldn't make it but I know that Makenzie was with us both and smiling down on us! I love you and want to say that you have been my BIGGEST support. There is no one I would want to go through this with than with you...Makenzie's daddy! You sure did help make a beautiful little angel!

My dearest Makenzie,

Today we light a candle for you and even though that candle may fade, the candle in our hearts will never dim. For the love that we have for you and the love that you have showed us will always keep it lit and one day will help guide us to you.

Love always, Mommy and Daddy

Friday, October 14, 2011

Our appointment and the flash of fear

We had our doctors appointment with our new doctor (Makenzie's retired on us!). As we were waiting to be seen a woman and her newborn came in...even though the baby was covered I could tell it was a newborn by the tiny sounds she was making. I knew it was a girl because she has the same car seat as Makenzie. I almost feel apart. I shouldn't have to be at this appointment. I should be having fun with my daughter. But that's not the case and we have to find a great doctor who will understand what we went through and to treat us a little differently than his other patients.
So we get into our appointment and Dr. Majors comes in and shakes our hands "lets look at your history and see where were at....(as he looks I'm sure it just says 'THEIR BABY DIED AT 40WKS & 3DAYS!!!!!!')...ok that changes things. Lets talk about what we're going to do for you." He then tells us that we will be coming in more after 30wks and having more ultrasounds and NST (non-stress test) and possibly a amniocentesis (amniotic fluid that is removed from the amniotic sac to test for fetal lung maturity) at 37wks and induction around 38-39wks. He said that he wished he could say that he hasn't dealt with this before but he said that he's seen about everything and he might become a basket case when it come to monitoring the baby. That made us feel really safe.
We were able to use our Doppler we got and it was hard to find the heartbeat at first (sometimes at 12 wks it might be too faint) and my heart I'm sure skipped a beat until he found it...160!! He said that it's good and strong. Making babies and keeping them until they are full term is not our problem...we're praying that this outcome will be better than the last. We really like that fact that the doctor's office is right across from the hospital and that if he's not there for some reason that he works with 4 other great doctors who will take our situation into great care and compassion. One week at a time for us!

After that appointment I felt a huge feeling of guilt and fear. Guilt because we wouldn't be having this baby if Makenzie was still here and fear because this one can end the same way as last. But I love this baby as much as I love Makenzie, even if this love is newer than with Makenzie only because I had the pleasure of knowing Makenzie longer because my love grew every day with her. I'm 13 wks today and every day my love for the jelly bean grows as it did with Makenzie.

I still think about Makenzie every second and wonder what she's doing and if she's being a good girl or a little monster like her mom! It has been a while since I've cried and for some reason I feel bad for that. Like I'm a bad mom for not crying every second of the day even though I miss her dearly every second. And of coarse I'm crying right now as I write this but I still feel bad for not crying more. It's almost like I'm too busy to sit down and think about the fact that on Oct 29th it will mark 6 months already. Either that or I don't want to think about it... it hurts too much to think about it every day. Instead I think about Makenzie and how beautiful she is.

Tomorrow is Oct 15th worldwide, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. We'll be lighting a candle for our daughter and I'm sure I'll be a mess that day. But I'll be with some good friends that have showed so much support so I know I'll be in good hands.

A little side note: I had a dream last night that there was a butterfly (yellow and black one) that was everywhere I was and every time I would sand still it would land on me and flutter it's wings. I believe that it was Makenzie in my dreams. I've only had one dream where I actually saw Makenzie (as a little girl not a baby) and all the other dreams have been with a butterfly. But they aren't as often as I'd like but I'll take them whenever I can.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Today I had a good day. It was my day off and sent most of it at home. Chris did have a work meeting tonight and asked if I wanted to go... they were doing a chili cook-off. On our way there I asked if there was anyone I would know (the meeting was for a Master Builders Assoc. that he's a member of for his work, so it's not people from his job...more like networking) he said that his boss was going to be there. My heart stopped for a moment. I haven't seen his boss since the last time I was pregnant with Makenzie (late into my pregnancy). He's a very nice man but I've heard of some of the sweet things that he's said to Chris and I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear any of it tonight. But all he did was hug me and said that I looked good and a big congrats on pregnancy #2. He also said that he prays for us everyday. It was nice. There was also a few others that I've met at one of the other meetings (again when I was super pregnant with Makenzie). They knew what had happened and all they did was congratulate me on baby #2. It almost hurt worst when they didn't say anything about Makenzie. I know they meant well and I know that they have said things about Makenzie to Chris but I still wanted to scream "I still miss my daughter Makenzie!!!" Just because I'm pregnant again doesn't mean that I'm "fixed".

To all the baby loss moms out there that read my blog.....

I know how it feels to read someone else's blog who are pregnant or have recently had a baby and I really don't want to cause you the same pain but this is my without Makenzie. I don't have my daughter here in person (always in spirit) and I have to deal with that every second but this is a new chapter in my book, my life. This chapter is new, scary, and a little hopeful. I know that not every pregnancy is the same but when you've lost a child the pregnancies after that loss will never be the same...there will always be a sliver (in some cases way more) of doubt that this pregnancy will lead to a "take-home baby". So for the baby loss moms, I pray that you will all find your way in your own stories and remember that there are people out there who know how you might be feeling (even if they are pregnant again).

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

First Appointment

Yesterday was our first appointment to confirm that we're indeed pregnant. It hasn't felt real until after our ultrasound.

Sitting in the waiting room was a little nerve wrecking. The last time I was in that office was at my 6 week follow-up after Makenzie was born. There was a lot of cry last time I was there. This time I was so worried that my doctor was going to say that there was no baby...or no heartbeat that my nurse had to take my blood pressure twice because it was so high. When our doctor came in (we didn't have to wait long to see him, thank God) he asked how I was feeling and all I said was "nervous". He smiled and told me that was to be expected and that he wouldn't make us wait any longer on starting the ultrasound. When I saw the little blob on the screen the doctor said that was our little baby and everything looked great so far. "Do you see that? That's the heart beating." I couldn't help but cry. To see this baby with a heartbeat meant that my fears were gone for that single second...knowing that this is real and that there's a little person growing inside me. But then the fears came rushing back. Knowing that these next 7 months are going to be tough. Knowing that there is no guarantee in the end.

After the ultrasound I had some questions about things that have been on my mind and all he kept saying was "let's make your worry list longer..." He was joking with us that no matter what we do there will always be SOMETHING to worry about. He kept saying that what happened with Makenzie was just a fluke and that the chances of that happening again is so small that we shouldn't worry so much about it. Easy for him to say, not so easy for me to do.

It still feels a little surreal that it happened to fast for us. But I wonder if God felt bad for taking Makenzie away from us, so he blessed us with this pregnancy as so as we knew we were ready. All we can do is pray to Him and ask for guidance and hope. Pray that everything will turn out in the end. We pray to Makenzie to be our Angel and to watch over us everyday.

After our appointment I felt better. Felt like maybe this time around we can be parents to a living child. But until then, I'll have to find ways to stay sane.

My dearest Makenzie,
Please know that we love you and miss you every second of the day. We pray that you are watching over us and smiling. We pray that you continue to touch our lives with your love. Please know that as we go through this pregnancy with your little brother or sister that you will be on our minds and in our hearts and he/she will know that you are their big sister, their Guardian Angel. Mommy tells the little jelly bean all about you and how special you are to us. You will never be forgotten but you will always be missed. Mommy love you very much!
Love Mommy

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Going crazy already!!!

I feel like I'm slowly going crazy...

A few weeks ago when I took my 3 pregnancy test (all positive) I thought this is it, I'm pregnant again, about to embark on this journey once again. But ever since then all I seem to think is that it can't be true. I can't get pregnant after only one month. That doesn't happen to "our kind" (people in this horrible club). I think that the negative test that came up a few days before the positive ones really has been on the front of my mind. I seem to be living on the "What ifs"... what if this is a false pregnancy cause by emotional issues or a hysterical pregnancy? What if on my first appointment where we'll suppose to see our babies heartbeat for the first time the doctor says "I'm sorry but the is no baby in must be your imagination"...

Well I was driving myself so crazy that last night around 9:30 as Chris and I were sitting, watching TV, I turn to him and say that I'm going to the store. He looked at me with a strange look on his face. I told him that I was going to get a pregnancy test because I was worried that this was a false pregnancy. I told him that I was sorry for being so silly since we have 3 positives still sitting on the counter in the bathroom. He just smiled and said that I can do whatever it takes to make me feel better about this pregnancy.

So after taking yet another test...positive. But the control line was lighter than the test line so I was a little worried that my test wasn't working right. So to top it off, I took ANOTHER test this morning...positive. But this time the control line was a little darker (even though the test line came up first). Maybe it isn't a false pregnancy. 5 out of 6 seems to be in my favor. But I still can't help but be nervous for our first appointment. It's too early to start feeling crazy...what will I be like as this journey continues?! I feel sorry for my husband having to live with me and all my friends/family that I'm sure I'll drive a little crazy too with the nonsense that might be going through my head.

We've been praying every night to help us through this, and thanking God for allowing us a second chance (hopefully with a better outcome). But we know that it will be a long 9 months with many ups and downs.

I can't believe that yesterday was 4 months since we had Makenzie! I'd have to say that I had a good day. I didn't let it get to me. I still miss her but I know that she's with us always. I love you sweet angel!

Monday, August 22, 2011


So now that my family knows I can now blog about the way that I'm feeling about seeing a positive pregnancy test!

Last week (Friday) I was due for my period and it didn't come...however my first thought was that my body was out of balance due to the birth of Makenzie. So I waited. By Sunday it still didn't come so during my lunch I took a pregnancy test...negative. "So my body is out of wack...I'll just wait a few more days." Monday came and went and so on Tuesday I took a test first thing in the morning. POSITIVE! I'm so glad that Chris was there for the news. We just looked at each other and smiled. I wonder if my HCG levels were too low on Sunday and that's why it came back negative. The next morning when Chris was leaving for work I asked if we were still pregnant and he said "that's what the 3 tests in the bathroom still say!" It felt like a dream almost.

We are so excited but we can't help but be scared because we don't have the naive bliss that we did in our first pregnancy. I wish that I had milestones that I can reach and finally be less worried. But since I lost Makenzie at FULL term (past due in fact) the only way that I can pass the milestones is to give birth to a living baby...9 months later! I really hope that I will have some sanity left in me to enjoy the new baby! HaHaHa.

The other day I went to the book store to find a new pregnancy book, even though the one I have is great but it reminds me of Makenzie to much. I was reading some of the books and found that I couldn't relate to any of them because they all talk about the happy crap and only touch on some of the things that could go wrong. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited about having another baby but I also know that there is no guarantees at the end like all those books talk about. I did find one that is about pregnancy after loss. So far it's a good book and it breaks things down into trimesters and some of the things I might go through.

I still can't believe that it happened this soon. We started trying again expecting it to take a while but I guess God has different plans for us. I do feel sad for my friends who are still trying after their losses. Every night I pray for them and ask God to bless them too. It would be so nice to have friends to go through this together with. I'll keep on praying!

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Unexpected event

I walk into work today (well yesterday since it's passed midnight) and my first thing I do is find the surgery tech and find out if there are any dentals to be done...none. So my next thing I always do is go into the lab and see where we are in there and what I can take over for the other techs. While in the lab I hear a young baby crying from the office around the corner. Stupid me...I follow the sound and walk around the corner. In my manger's arms is a little red headed baby I've never seen before. I ask who's the baby and they tell me it's my old co-worker's. No for those of you who don't know my work, this co-worker was pregnant the same time I was, but a month after me. That was her baby girl! All I did was look at the baby and walk away. I went straight to the treatment area and just looked at the other techs with tears in my eyes. They all looked at me and I said "I didn't know that Leanna was here with her baby....I'm sorry but can I do something back here so I don't have to see her?!" They all said that it was ok that I didn't want to see her and that I had nothing to be sorry about. I asked one of them to go tell her that I'm sorry that I couldn't see her right now. Nothing personal! My co-worker totally understood. I knew she would.

I felt sick thinking that I had to hide out in the back. Like I had to avoid her like the plague. She was there for almost 3 hours...I felt like a prisoner at my own work. I know that it was my choice to stay away but I just couldn't put myself in that kind of mood, anymore than I already was. It was so unexpected that it threw me about a curve ball right to the heart!

I've been so good around other babies but it never really hit home like today. Something about being pregnant along with someone else through your WHOLE pregnancy and seeing her baby, GIRL no less, and not having mine was really heartbreaking. I'm not sure how I'll deal when she decides to come back to work. I'm sure she'll have stories about her baby...and I won't! I'm suppose to be the one giving her advice since Makenzie would have been a month older. But that's just one more thing I WON'T be getting to do!

I do have to say that I did well, even with the curve ball. I tried to keep busy to keep from crying. That worked pretty well. Even now as I write this I'm not crying. It's more like I'm angry that I let myself get surprised by a baby. I shouldn't be scared to see babies since I'm hoping on getting pregnant again. But I let it beat me today. I was a scared little kid hiding under the covers waiting for the monster to go away from my closet. What a coward I was.

I think I do so well with my other friend's baby (who's a few weeks older than Makenzie would be) because it's on my terms. We plan things. No surprises when it comes to the meetings. There's no way that I can always plan when I'm going to see any baby but it still stings a little.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The waiting game

I'm not sure how many people know about us trying again...but we have been for about a month now. We're not charting or anything, we're just not being careful about anything if you know what I mean.

Now we wait...I'm not really counting on anything to happen this soon. That would be too easy. We're not that lucky. Cause if we were we'd still have Makenzie here with us!
I never thought that waiting a few days would be this scary and exciting at the same time! I don't want to take a pregnancy test until I'm sure that I've missed my period because I don't want to get myself all excited and it me negative (false or not). Waiting....I hate it! It scares me to think that all this waiting (and then 9 months of waiting) and there still is no guarantee that we can have a live baby in the end. That scares me the most. I swear I'm going to have to do something to help with my nervous when I become pregnant again. The whole blissful ignorance of a smooth pregnancy/labor is out the window...I don't get that luxury anymore.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Our camping trip

Our camping trip went well. The weather stayed nice (all except the day we left). This camping trip was suppose to be the first one that Makenzie was going to. We were looking forward to it since we started planning it in January. She would have 3 months (having me beat...I was 6 months on my first camping trip). We brought her bear, Makenzie Bear, everywhere we went, taking pictures like she was there with us. If she was there with us we would have been in the motor home all weekend due to the heat but instead we were out enjoying the sun. I think I did really well and having her bear there I think helped me. I think Makenzie Bear was in more pictures than anyone else. I know it sounds weird to have a stuffed bear in pictures but it's HER bear and that helped me to involve her in some way.

We also saw soooo many butterflies there! We kept saying that it was her and her new friends (other babies who've died) that she's met in Heaven. I only got 2 pictures of only one butterfly the whole weekend...they wouldn't land and stay long enough. But that gave me peace of mind that she was there too.

It was a relaxing weekend that was much needed with most of my family. I even got some reading in. I just got a new book called "Trying again after loss" it's about the pros and cons of trying again and the emotional steps to thinking about trying again and the feelings that may come when you do get pregnant again. It's a pretty good book, I'm glad I got it. It has helped to put things in perspective a little.

Coming home was a little hard knowing that Makenzie SHOULD have been with us all weekend. I did well through out the weekend but every little thing I would catch myself thinking about what we would be doing if she was there with us. But I did well and that's all that counts these days.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

A Me Day

I started my day with an 1hour massage. It was amazing (thank you Becky!)!!! Then after that I went dress shopping for my 10yr reunion. And I was very surprised that I had fun shopping. Normally I hate clothes shopping because I can never find things that look good on me. But I think I had more than a dozen dresses to try on and found a couple that fit. All I had to do was narrow them down. Finally I found one that looks great on me. That made me feel pretty good about myself. I like that I feel pretty again. I was feeling like I had this belly with no proof that I had a baby like so many other moms who get to "show" the reason why they still have a little belly fat. It feels good to look great in a dress! I saw the old me in the mirror today. And to top it off I saved more than what my dress actually cost! I love saving money! I think I can wear the dress again for a nice night out, party, etc.

After finding my dress, Chris, Burley (my brother-in-law), and I went to the movies. It was a great movie but in the back of my mind all I could think about was babies! I'm not sure what brought that up during the movie since it was Transformers 3 (in 3D) but I was thinking about how exciting it would be to be pregnant again. I almost felt as exciting as when we were thinking about getting pregnant with Makenzie! The little butterflies in my stomach thinking about trying again...but it could also be because I was having a good day. I was doing ok at the mall even when I saw sooooo many babies. I was a little angry at them for having something that I want so badly. But that goes without saying most of the time. I'm wondering if that excited (maybe ready) feeling will pass tomorrow or on one of my bad days. Sometimes it's like I really can't trust the way I feel because it always changes. That's why I'm not sure if I will ever know when I'm ready seems to always change. I'm sure that I will be very excited (and nervous) when we do get pregnant again but the not knowing is very scary and I'm sure that feeling will never go away. Maybe I just have to jump into it with faith and hope that He catches me.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Random thoughts

I've been talking to my family and close friends about when we might start to try again and it's so funny that most of them have in one way or another told me to start now!!! It makes it so easy to want to now but I won't rush into it (even though some days I would love to start now!). I may say that I might be ready but in all reality I'm going to wait until at least Sept to even THINK about trying again. Chris and I have talked and it seems that emotionally I'm not quite ready yet. Deep down I keep making excuses. Like... I don't want another baby to be born on Makenzie's birthday, I've only had 2 periods and the dr recommends that we wait at least 3. Things like that. But I'm sure that if I made a pros and cons list the pros might out weight the cons. I sometimes feel like I'm playing tug-a-war with my mind and heart! I'm still waiting for my flashing sign to come...

On a different note...

We went to my niece's sweet 16 party today and it went great! We even saw a butterfly before the party started...Makenzie was with us too! It was so sweet to see Chris with our nieces and nephews. That would go on the pros list! I get excited and sad that I can't wait for Chris to play with our children!

Sorry my mind is all over the place tonight...I was thinking about a poem that someone found for me when Makenzie died and I put in her journal that I write to her and I wanted to share it with everyone...

I Am With You

Once I lived in my mother's womb,
A place for me to flourish and bloom,
And in that place I felt such love,
Until the day I was called from above.
The angels came and took me away,
Because on Earth I couldn't stay.
But my mother didn't want me to go,
Because she really loves me so.
So I spoke to God and made a deal,
That would help my mommy's heart to heal,
And so God said that I could visit,
At any time, there is no limit.
Now when she feels about to cave,
I send her courage to make her brave,
And in the night when she cries,
I am there to wipe her eyes,
And when she sits and thinks of me,
I am there sat on her knee,
When she thinks that no one cares,
I am there stroking her hair,
When it's hard for her to carry on,
I am there to make her strong.
For when you carry love in your heart,
You never really are apart.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011


I should be sleeping right now...but my mind is running on full cylinders.

Chris and I were talking last night while laying in bed about Makenzie and her possible siblings. He says "I'm ready when you're ready." But then says that he's worried that I might be rushing into starting again. We wouldn't start until Sept at the earliest. He's worried that I won't be emotionally ready and that this next baby is my way of fixing things. You know when people have babies to save their marriages...he thinks that's what I'm doing. Well not trying to save our marriage (it's going great and he's the best husband ever!) but to fill the void that was left when Makenzie died. Now I'm not sure if that's why I feel ready. I know that I'm not replacing Makenzie but now there are more questions that I should be asking myself before we start again.

When I think of babies I think of joy and happiness and that's why Chris thinks that I'm trying to have a baby to fill my emotions and not to deal with her death. And the way that he said it made me stop and think about the reasons why I want to try again so soon. I know that we have time to wait but I'm not sure if I want to waste time waiting to have a live baby.

So many things to think about...I wish there was a test to take to see if you're ready to try again. But all I can do is take things one day at a time (which is hard for me sometimes since I love to plan everything!) People keep telling me that I'll know when I'm ready but how will I know... will there be a big flashing sign that says "Start having as much sex as possible!!!! You're ready to have a baby!" No, that would be too easy!!

We also talked about seeing a therapist. Chris thinks they might help by giving me coping tools and some insight on trying again. We just got the info today, so I'll be looking into it shortly. I really think that missing our support group last month (we thought it was on a different day) set us back a little. I think we might try one counseling session and if we don't like it or can't afford it than we'll just find another support group and go twice a month instead of once a month.

Well I think I'm ready for bed now. I think I got everything out that was keeping me awake!

Saturday, July 9, 2011


I don't know why I do this to myself! Maybe I get some sick happiness for torturing myself...

It started out as a good day. All except Chris left to go play football but I didn't want to go due to it being far away, getting home really late, and working at 8 tomorrow morning. I was finishing a craft project for my niece's birthday party (which is always a good distraction) when all of a sudden the tears just started to flow! I'm not even sure what set them off this time. So I cried for a while (it seems to be worse when Chris isn't here to comfort me).

But that's not even what I tormented myself with...OH NO... I went into Makenzie's room. I haven't been in there for at least a couple weeks, maybe even more. And to pour salt on the wound I decided that TODAY was the day that I would empty out her dresser. We decided to leave her room the way it is until we get pregnant again. It's HER room now. But I thought that I would empty out her dresser at least and box up the clothes. Even if we have another girl, I want to be able to put those clothes back. You know...nesting. And that way if it's going to be a boy, it will make it that much easier to part with all her clothes....I don't even want to think about having a boy!!! I don't think I'm strong enough to get rid of her clothes!

Sitting in her room was soooo hard! Part of me doesn't want to believe that she's dead and part of me knows the truth. It takes all my strength not to want to trash her room, to throw things and to get angry. But I know if I do I'll regret it later. Plus I don't want to upset Chris, even though I don't think he's been in there since it's happened. I just want to scream!!!! I want to be mad at be mad at Him for taking her away from us! But I know that I'm not mad at Him. I just want to blame someone. I want to point my finger and scream at the one who took my baby away!


It started out as a good day...

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Fourth of July

So the fourth of July was harder than I thought it was going to be. I think alot of it was because Chris was gone all weekend. I was good all weekend...even when I was at Leavenworth and seeing a ton of butterfly things. But as soon as I saw Chris it was like a whole weekend of sadness just came rushing back.

We had gone over to my brother-in-law's house and had a BBQ. Laura (my sister-in-law) and the 4 kids were over too. Even though they are not that little, it was hard to have the kids running around and not be a little sad that Makenzie won't be joining in. I had to go outside and just sit alone for a get away from all the laughter.

It was harder to go to the park to watch the fireworks...babies and kids EVERYWHERE!! Oh yeah and pregnant women too! On the way home I couldn't help but cry. It hurts soooo much to not have those kinds of times with Makenzie. It's hard not to think about what we should/would be doing if Makenzie was here. Well what do we do? Cry when I want to, I guess.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The little things...

I can't believe what can set me off sometimes...

At work I was making phone calls to clients and there was one that I was going over an estimate for their pet. I know that money can be an issue and this lady was telling me how this past month for her has been hell... As she put it "when it rains, it pours". All I could say to her was I know what she means. Then she began telling me about her last month...the car battery going out, the fridge dieing, and something else (I kinda stopped listening at that point). All I wanted to scream was "Don't be stupid!!!! You really want to hear how crappy life can be....let me tell you, lady!!!!" But again all I said was "I know what you mean." I know it's not her fault that life sucks sometimes but I couldn't help but get mad.

And to top it off, that day so happened to have been the 8 week mark. It wasn't so bad until I was driving up to see my parents and had to drive alone. I know I shouldn't have listened to my Ipod but I really wasn't thinking about it until Makenzie's song came on. I should have just skipped by it but I felt that if I did that that I was trying to forget Makenzie. I felt the NEED to listen to it. I know that I shouldn't have been driving and I'm amazed that I made it up to my parent's place in record time. At that point Chris was already up there and I had him meet me outside before going in. We'd been so busy at work last week that I haven't been able to see Chris much...only in bed since he was already sleeping when I got home. All I wanted to do was have Chris comfort me. I only wanted him at that point. He held me and let me cry some more until my eyes were dry and there weren't anymore tears for the moment.

My mom knew something was wrong, but didn't say anything to me until the next day. She said that I looked tired and upset. I just told her that it had been a hard day. That was that. I think Friday I could have been in a large group and still found something that would have triggered an ugly cry. Being alone sometimes is mind wonders when I'm alone and that can be hard.

But today WILL be a good day.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Step Forward?

I think that I've had an epiphany...

My doctor at my 6 week check-up had said that I should wait 6 months to help with the emotions but that I physically could be ready in a few months. He said that I could start again after about 2-3 periods. Well I wasn't sure if I would be ready that soon, but when I started my period the first thought that ran through my head was "One down". Maybe I am more ready than I thought. People said that when I was ready that I would know, but I never thought that I would be ready so soon. I almost feel a little guilty for feeling that way. Like I owe it to Makenzie to mourn longer. I know that she wouldn't want that, but I keep having these mixed feelings about it. I know that those may never go away until the day that I'm pregnant again.

One down....

Yesterday I went on a walk with my friend and her 2 month old little girl again. And we even went over to their place for dinner. I wasn't sure how that would go since I knew that there would be baby stuff everywhere. All the things that I don't get to have or see unless I open Makenzie's door to her still untouched nursery. But it didn't phase me. I was even able to hold her! I could stand there holding that crying baby without tears (no tears even now). I still missed Makenzie and my heart was aching while I was holding the baby but I knew that she was not Makenzie.

I think my epiphany is that Makenzie is now my angel and there is nothing that I can do to bring her back and however sad that makes me I can't change that. But what I can change is the way that I think. I will always miss and love her and think about her every second but I can't let that run my new life...this life without Makenzie. I have to grow from this and try to think forward. My life has changed dramatically since the death and birth of my daughter, but it's what I choose to do with my life know that will help me or hurt me.

I know that I have so much support out there and that I'm truly thankful for. I just hope that I can stay true to myself and try to allow a shred of my former self out (the funny and happy person I use to be). I don't want my true former self back because that would mean that Makenzie didn't exist and everything would be back to "normal". As devastating as what happened to us was I still want my daughter to exist and it to be known that I did/do have a daughter.

I love you baby Makenzie!

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Rock & Walk

Saturday was my first time at the annual Rock & Walk held by The Tears Foundation. The foundation helps families who have lost their children and needed help with funeral arrangements. It was an amazing but emotional experience to say the least. One that I hope to share with my friends and family...the feeling of happiness to have helped someone like me.

When we first got there we watched the reader board show all the babies that we were walking for that day. There were so many it left a permanent sadness on my heart...knowing that I'm not the only one who has lost a child and has to go through this torment every day. As the parents lead the first lap, Chris and I were more emotional than I thought we would be. And as we rounded the corner under the reader board Makenzie's page came up at that exact same time! That made me cry that much harder to think that she was watching over us at the same moment. And at the end of the walk all the parents were given a balloon and a note card to write a message to our angels. All at once we released the balloons to Heaven. It had been a few days since I'd had an ugly cry but that set me it does right now. For some reason it was like I was trying to let go of everything that had happened and was saying goodbye to my daughter... which I don't want to do. I want to hold on to her so hold her in my arms really. I'm not ready to say goodbye, even though I know that I should some day. It doesn't mean that I will forget her by all means but that I've accepted the fact that I can't hold her and that she won't be growing up and causing trouble like I think she would have. I don't know if I can handle letting her go yet. I have this fear that if I do let her go that she will be lost to me and I won't remember the way that I do know. I know that's not true but I can't help feeling that way.

I miss her every second and I know as time moves on I will too but I'm not ready yet! I will always miss her but I'm looking forward to when my heart doesn't feel like it will explode out of my chest...and I know that there will always be pain in my heart for my daughter. I want to feel happy every time I think of her, not happy with sadness looming in the background.

Mommy love you baby girl and I always will!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Proud of myself!

Yesterday I had mixed emotions about meeting up with my friend and her 8 week old baby girl. But I knew that I couldn't avoid babies forever. We planned on meeting at the mall to go walking (it was too cold to walk around Bradley Lake). When I saw her walking up with her stroller my heart skipped a beat...could I do this? Could I really look into this new babies face and not feel pain? Would I break down and run out of the mall screaming? The answer was NO! Well it was saddening to hear about all the things this new mommy was going through and thinking that I should be going through the same things and wishing that I could. Don't get me wrong, I loved hearing about everything. It made me feel almost human feel happy for my friend.

Now more than ever do I think about trying again. But again the mixed feelings come up and I think it's just something that we need to talk to our doctor about. Not the feelings so much but the medical aspect of trying again. Our chances of this happening again... if it really is a big deal to wait a longer time (I have been doing research that it's best to wait longer and that your chances may go down...but not everything is saying the same). It's so hard not to think about babies and Makenzie. Knowing that I missed out on everything a new mommy gets to do with her. But look forward to hopefully having that chance again.

Seeing my friends baby girl was easier than I thought it was going to be. For some stupid reason I was thinking that I would see Makenzie for a brief second and that would set me over the edge. But all I saw was a cute little baby. I'm not saying that it wasn't hard at times but easier than I thought. No crying and I didn't even cry when I got home. She wasn't MY baby and that was sad but I think that's what made it ok. I think I should be able to see her again...maybe even be brave enough to hold her...we'll see.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Could I be Ready?

There are so many things that are running through my mind, it's hard to concentrate on anything else other than our family. I thought looking at Makenzie's photos would be really hard...making this life a reality that Makenzie is gone and all we have are photos that she existed (and our love and memories of her too). But in reality it was the opposite from that. I felt a sense of calmness and peace almost. Don't get me wrong, I cried the most ugly cry. But after I wiped the tears away I could see that she was at peace. Chris and I just watched the slideshow over and over again. Just looking at her tugged at my heartstrings... I made this beautiful angel and maybe she was too precious to stay here with us. I still miss her and talk to her every day but I think she's showing me things that says "Hi mommy. I'm ok and I love you."

I had a dream 2 nights ago that Makenzie was 3-4 years old and only I could see was snowing and she was throwing snow at me...laughing. I asked "Makenzie, why are you throwing snow at me?" She said with a sweet smile " Because I love you mommy and it's funny!" That dream felt so real to me and maybe she was really in my dream telling me she was thinking of me too. As hard as last Friday was with everything reminding me of her, some people had me thinking that maybe it was Makenzie telling me she's around me where ever I may be. And that thought has helped me to feel uplifted.

I've been thinking alot about our family and trying again. Our doctor recommended that we wait 6 months, even though I will be physically healed sooner he wants me to wait so that I can work on the emotional and mental healing. But the more I think about it the more I want to start sooner....I feel a little out of my mind about it. Could I be ready...sometimes it feels too soon and other times I feel like it can't get here fast enough. I know that me wanting another child doesn't mean that I'm replacing Makenzie in any way (not even possible to replace my angel!), it just means that I don't want to wait to work on our family. I waited 2 years before deciding to have Makenzie and I feel that if I wait 6 months (and who knows how long it may take after that to get pregnant) that I've wasted time building our much wanted family. But I have mixed emotions about starting. I know that when we're ready we'll know, but really to be honest we didn't feel ready when we were "not preventing" with Makenzie. We became ready when we got the news that we were pregnant. I don't know if I'll EVER feel ready. And what makes me more ready in 6 months or 6 years for that matter?! I will ALWAYS be sad that Makenzie's not here but I can't let it run my life because there is nothing that I can do to bring her back. And I just have to face this new life without her and try to move through it in a positive way. But on the other side, I'm scared that this will happen again and I don't know that I could handle this again (not that I handle this really well sometimes). I don't want to be scared through my next pregnancy. I want to be excited like I was with Makenzie. Every baby deserves that kind of happiness and joy while in the womb. I couldn't imagine not loving Makenzie as much as I do, so why would I not show the same love to baby #2? But scary things still are on my mind about being excited and having this happen again.

We'll see what my doctor says on Friday (my 6 week check-up) and just take things one day at a time.

Friday, June 3, 2011

F**k my life today!!!!

Today started off good considering today marks 5 weeks. With that being said...things took a turn for the worst!

On my way to work I checked the mail and Makenzie's photos came in, but left them in the mail box until tonight. So that was on my mind ALL day. After getting to work my first appointment of the day had a newborn...but not just any newborn...a girl! So after that appointment I sat and cried for about 10 mins. After I cleaned my face up I had phone calls to make and after getting on the phone with a client turns out the dogs name is...Kenzie! So another 10 mins of crying! As the day went on a few of my friends had a dog that they were working on some treatments with and they wouldn't let me help (it was slow at work and everyone was trying to find things to do). I asked if they wanted help filling out paperwork but they kept saying no. Someone needed some meds signed off and I was happy to be doing something and as I was reading off the name of the pet it's name guessed it Makenzie (spelled a different way but don't remember the spelling)!!!!! All I said was fuck my life right now!!!!
By that time I was ready to go home but still had 3 hours or so left and Chris wasn't going to be home so why go home to an empty house!

Now I'm just waiting for Chris to come home so we can look at Makenzie's photos together and cry! What a wonderful Friday!

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Yesterday was going well for most of the morning. I was having a pretty good day, looking forward to going back to work full time and seeing my extended family there. I had about 20 mins before I needed to leave, I grabbed the programs from Makenzie's Memorial for people at work and decided that I would bring Makenzie's journal that I've been writing in so that if anyone wanted to write to her they could (we had it out at the services for people to write letters to her). I started looking for her journal and it was nowhere to be found...panic set in! I looked like a crazy person looking for that journal! And to top it off, I couldn't get ahold of Chris to ask him if he had it or knew where it was. I don't think I've every had a panic attack before...I was crying and hyperventilating. I almost called into work to tell them I couldn't come in until I found it! I would never do that before, that's how bad my attack was. I ended up not being able to find it before going to work. I had to pull myself together to make it into work.

A few hours went by when I got a text from Chris saying that he had it at work for his friend to write in it and that he was sorry he didn't tell me. WOW...what a relief. I instantly felt better. I still can't believe that a journal would set me off like that!

Work went great the rest of the day and I was even able to talk about Makenzie without crying (ok I teared up, but made it thru without a break down). I think it's getting easier to talk about her and what happened. Well sometimes...

Got news that her photos from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep will be her tomorrow or Sat. I'm having mixed feelings about seeing them. Part of me is so ready to see my beautiful daughter and part of me is screaming not to because then it's real that she's dead and not here with us. We'll see if I'm ready when they come.

There are days that I don't feel like I have a daughter because I don't have her to hold and look down at. I still can't believe that I gave birth a month's surreal sometimes and I have to remind myself that I DO have a beautiful daughter and that I AM a mommy. It's just that she's an angel and that she's watching over me. But it's still a weird feeling to not have her, I thinks it's the empty arms that make it harder.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

Makenzie's beautiful service

All I can say about today is amazing! It was breathtaking to see how many people came out to support us in this hard time. As hard as today was I think that it will help with the healing process. However, it is so hard to grasp the idea that my daughter is gone. But I think I really need to just say it to help with the daughter is dead and not coming back. If I keep saying "gone" I may start to think that she is just that...gone somewhere on a trip and maybe coming back. But she's not and I'll just have to be patient and have faith that one day I WILL be with her again. At one point today all I wanted to do was grab her urn and sit alone and just ugly cry. And I did just that. I didn't worry or care how I looked when I was done and I was thankful that those around me didn't come up and comfort me. I just needed time with my daughter.

I feel so blessed to be surrounded by so many friends and family that are there for me and Chris. I think the thing that helped me the most was when they didn't try to say anything and all they did was hug me and let me cry. That was the most helpful thing someone can do.