Saturday was my first time at the annual Rock & Walk held by The Tears Foundation. The foundation helps families who have lost their children and needed help with funeral arrangements. It was an amazing but emotional experience to say the least. One that I hope to share with my friends and family...the feeling of happiness to have helped someone like me.
When we first got there we watched the reader board show all the babies that we were walking for that day. There were so many it left a permanent sadness on my heart...knowing that I'm not the only one who has lost a child and has to go through this torment every day. As the parents lead the first lap, Chris and I were more emotional than I thought we would be. And as we rounded the corner under the reader board Makenzie's page came up at that exact same time! That made me cry that much harder to think that she was watching over us at the same moment. And at the end of the walk all the parents were given a balloon and a note card to write a message to our angels. All at once we released the balloons to Heaven. It had been a few days since I'd had an ugly cry but that set me off...like it does right now. For some reason it was like I was trying to let go of everything that had happened and was saying goodbye to my daughter... which I don't want to do. I want to hold on to her so much..to hold her in my arms really. I'm not ready to say goodbye, even though I know that I should some day. It doesn't mean that I will forget her by all means but that I've accepted the fact that I can't hold her and that she won't be growing up and causing trouble like I think she would have. I don't know if I can handle letting her go yet. I have this fear that if I do let her go that she will be lost to me and I won't remember the way that I do know. I know that's not true but I can't help feeling that way.
I miss her every second and I know as time moves on I will too but I'm not ready yet! I will always miss her but I'm looking forward to when my heart doesn't feel like it will explode out of my chest...and I know that there will always be pain in my heart for my daughter. I want to feel happy every time I think of her, not happy with sadness looming in the background.
Mommy love you baby girl and I always will!