Yesterday I had mixed emotions about meeting up with my friend and her 8 week old baby girl. But I knew that I couldn't avoid babies forever. We planned on meeting at the mall to go walking (it was too cold to walk around Bradley Lake). When I saw her walking up with her stroller my heart skipped a beat...could I do this? Could I really look into this new babies face and not feel pain? Would I break down and run out of the mall screaming? The answer was NO! Well it was saddening to hear about all the things this new mommy was going through and thinking that I should be going through the same things and wishing that I could. Don't get me wrong, I loved hearing about everything. It made me feel almost human again...to feel happy for my friend.
Now more than ever do I think about trying again. But again the mixed feelings come up and I think it's just something that we need to talk to our doctor about. Not the feelings so much but the medical aspect of trying again. Our chances of this happening again... if it really is a big deal to wait a longer time (I have been doing research that it's best to wait longer and that your chances may go down...but not everything is saying the same). It's so hard not to think about babies and Makenzie. Knowing that I missed out on everything a new mommy gets to do with her. But look forward to hopefully having that chance again.
Seeing my friends baby girl was easier than I thought it was going to be. For some stupid reason I was thinking that I would see Makenzie for a brief second and that would set me over the edge. But all I saw was a cute little baby. I'm not saying that it wasn't hard at times but easier than I thought. No crying and I didn't even cry when I got home. She wasn't MY baby and that was sad but I think that's what made it ok. I think I should be able to see her again...maybe even be brave enough to hold her...we'll see.