Tuesday, September 20, 2011


Today I had a good day. It was my day off and sent most of it at home. Chris did have a work meeting tonight and asked if I wanted to go... they were doing a chili cook-off. On our way there I asked if there was anyone I would know (the meeting was for a Master Builders Assoc. that he's a member of for his work, so it's not people from his job...more like networking) he said that his boss was going to be there. My heart stopped for a moment. I haven't seen his boss since the last time I was pregnant with Makenzie (late into my pregnancy). He's a very nice man but I've heard of some of the sweet things that he's said to Chris and I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear any of it tonight. But all he did was hug me and said that I looked good and a big congrats on pregnancy #2. He also said that he prays for us everyday. It was nice. There was also a few others that I've met at one of the other meetings (again when I was super pregnant with Makenzie). They knew what had happened and all they did was congratulate me on baby #2. It almost hurt worst when they didn't say anything about Makenzie. I know they meant well and I know that they have said things about Makenzie to Chris but I still wanted to scream "I still miss my daughter Makenzie!!!" Just because I'm pregnant again doesn't mean that I'm "fixed".

To all the baby loss moms out there that read my blog.....

I know how it feels to read someone else's blog who are pregnant or have recently had a baby and I really don't want to cause you the same pain but this is my story...life without Makenzie. I don't have my daughter here in person (always in spirit) and I have to deal with that every second but this is a new chapter in my book, my life. This chapter is new, scary, and a little hopeful. I know that not every pregnancy is the same but when you've lost a child the pregnancies after that loss will never be the same...there will always be a sliver (in some cases way more) of doubt that this pregnancy will lead to a "take-home baby". So for the baby loss moms, I pray that you will all find your way in your own stories and remember that there are people out there who know how you might be feeling (even if they are pregnant again).

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

First Appointment

Yesterday was our first appointment to confirm that we're indeed pregnant. It hasn't felt real until after our ultrasound.

Sitting in the waiting room was a little nerve wrecking. The last time I was in that office was at my 6 week follow-up after Makenzie was born. There was a lot of cry last time I was there. This time I was so worried that my doctor was going to say that there was no baby...or no heartbeat that my nurse had to take my blood pressure twice because it was so high. When our doctor came in (we didn't have to wait long to see him, thank God) he asked how I was feeling and all I said was "nervous". He smiled and told me that was to be expected and that he wouldn't make us wait any longer on starting the ultrasound. When I saw the little blob on the screen the doctor said that was our little baby and everything looked great so far. "Do you see that? That's the heart beating." I couldn't help but cry. To see this baby with a heartbeat meant that my fears were gone for that single second...knowing that this is real and that there's a little person growing inside me. But then the fears came rushing back. Knowing that these next 7 months are going to be tough. Knowing that there is no guarantee in the end.

After the ultrasound I had some questions about things that have been on my mind and all he kept saying was "let's make your worry list longer..." He was joking with us that no matter what we do there will always be SOMETHING to worry about. He kept saying that what happened with Makenzie was just a fluke and that the chances of that happening again is so small that we shouldn't worry so much about it. Easy for him to say, not so easy for me to do.

It still feels a little surreal that it happened to fast for us. But I wonder if God felt bad for taking Makenzie away from us, so he blessed us with this pregnancy as so as we knew we were ready. All we can do is pray to Him and ask for guidance and hope. Pray that everything will turn out in the end. We pray to Makenzie to be our Angel and to watch over us everyday.

After our appointment I felt better. Felt like maybe this time around we can be parents to a living child. But until then, I'll have to find ways to stay sane.

My dearest Makenzie,
Please know that we love you and miss you every second of the day. We pray that you are watching over us and smiling. We pray that you continue to touch our lives with your love. Please know that as we go through this pregnancy with your little brother or sister that you will be on our minds and in our hearts and he/she will know that you are their big sister, their Guardian Angel. Mommy tells the little jelly bean all about you and how special you are to us. You will never be forgotten but you will always be missed. Mommy love you very much!
Love Mommy