Saturday, April 14, 2012

Little Brother

Friday, April 13th at 7:44 AM, Makenzie's little brother Landen was born...

Check in was at 5:15 AM for our scheduled c-section with the surgery starting at 7:15 AM. As we got to the hospital I was starting to get really nervous due to the fact that I was having a major surgery done. Laying in the prep room my blood pressure was getting higher and higher. But as soon as they put Landen's heart monitor on it went down (not down to normal but at least done). Everything was good for now. Finally they had me go into the very cold surgery room to get hooked up and to get my spinal done.

Let me tell you how much a spinal hurts...well it's mostly the lidocain that they inject first that hurts like hell. It's like a burning that goes down your spine and makes you want to cry out. But once that kicks in you really can't feel anything else. It was really weird to have your legs go warm, from your feet up to your lower back. They then strap my almost paralyzed legs to the bed and start prepping my body.

I could feel sensations and pulling but no pain. Then I heard the most beautiful sound I could ever hear...Landen screaming bloody murder as soon as they pulled him out. The tears just started to flow. I got to see a little of him around the drape they had. But listening to him was music to my ears. After a few minutes the drape moved and cut off my view off. I started to panic but as long as I could hear him I knew things were good. Once they got him cleaned, Chris brought him over to me to kiss (I wasn't able to hold him because my arms were out at a T with wires and IV lines). It was the most precious thing when he was crying all I did was say his name over and over again and he looked at me because he knew my voice. I was able to calm him down for a short with just my voice.

While I was in recovery, Chris took Landen to the nursery to give him his bath and get him ready to feed. It was so nice to have alone time with Chris and Landen before everyone got to meet him. We took time to feed him and bond with him and to just stare at him. He is so handsome.

This experience has been so wonderful but I can't help but think about Makenzie on that day and what we went through. But I would never change anything about the short time we got with Makenzie.

I know in my heart and soul that Makenzie is watching over us and protecting her little brother. Landen will know all about his big sister and how much we love them both.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Hospital visit

Wow it's been way too long since I've blogged. Maybe I've been holding too much in and should really come back to it.

Last Thursday I was having alot of pelvic pressure with Landen so we decided to go to the hospital to check it out. It was the first time that we have been back to Labor and Delivery since we had Makenzie. I wasn't sure how I would feel about going back. I knew that we'd have to come back to have Landen but I guess I wasn't sure how I would feel. Once we got checked into the front desk she wheeled us back. "We have room 2 available for you" said the nurse. My heart sank....that was Makenzie's room. We had told her what happened to us in that room and she was so kind as to get us into a different room. It's silly that just having a room that faced the other way helped me. But as we waited for us to be hooked up to the monitors I got to thinking about that day with Makenzie. How different this time around would be for us. The first monitor she put on me was the fetal heart was a relief to hear his heartbeat (even though I knew he was ok because he was kicking around). After the nurse left I couldn't help but cry a little. Last time we were in this hospital we didn't need the fetal heart monitor. I can't believe that it's been almost a year since Makenzie was born and we had to start to live this new life without her. Now I'm worried on how I'll feel when we go into the hospital to have Landen. I know that I'll be happy to hopefully have a healthy baby but I also know how hard it will be to know that Makenzie isn't with us (well besides in our hearts).
After an hour of monitoring and questions the hospital doctor came in to check me and there was no change from my doctor appt that Wednesday. So back home we went.

With every passing moment that Landen's not here I become a little more scared that something will go wrong. I don't sleep very well in fears that he'll stop moving. I swear Landen's going to come out and sleep alot since I don't give him much time to sleep cause all I want to do is check on him every few minutes to make sure he's alive and well. We'll be delivering him a week early but I still worry that something will go wrong and we'll be at the hospital again with horrible news. I guess this is just something I have to live with until he gets here. Then there are new worries to worry about.