When Chris and I first started dating, we joked about having kids. He said we'd have a boy first and I said we'd have a girl first. So we made a bet that for every year we didn't have kids we'd put $10 in the bet and if we had a boy Chris would win and if we had a girl I'd win. So 6 years went by...
After I graduated from college, Chris and I decided that we wanted to start our family. It only took us 3 months to get pregnant! The day we found out I was home for lunch from work and I was 2 days late so I took a test right then...when I saw the blue +, I wasn't sure if I was seeing right. I came out with a huge smile on my face and showed Chris the test. "Do you see what I'm seeing?!" Chris just looked at me and said "Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God!" It was soooo hard to go back to work. We decided that when I was off we'd make a fake excuse to go up to my parents house to surprise them with the exciting news! I had taken a picture of our test and was showing my mom some pictures of our cat and when she came to the end...there was the test! She just looked at me and back down at the picture...then started screaming!
After that day everyone knew! Since I work in the medical field I had to let everyone know as soon as we found out. I couldn't do any x-rays or anesthesia anymore!
All our doctor's appointments went great! And my pregnancy was perfect...no morning sickness!! The 20 week ultrasound was so exciting! We had my mom and Chris' mom come down for that so that they were the first to find out the sex of our little peanut. The moment we found out we were having a little girl everyone was crying! I think it took Chris a little longer to grasp the idea of a girl! Looks like I won $60! After that there was no holding me back! I started right away on her room and buying clothes! And when it came to a name my list was so much longer than Chris'. When we finally narrowed it down to two names we decided to let little peanut choose her own name... on a time that she was being very active, we said "ok peanut, kick once for Makenzie and twice for Alivia." Well she kicked once and then didn't kick again for another hour! Makenzie it was!
At 39 week I wasn't working but I was walking ALOT! When Chris would get off work, we'd go over to the mall and walk laps trying to induce labor. And when we came home, I'd get on my yoga ball and start bouncing! Anything to induce labor (well not spicy food since I would get heartburn by drinking water!).
On Monday (one day shy of 40 weeks) I had my normal doctor appt. Heartbeat was good, I was dilated to 2 with an 80% effacement. Things were looking good and doctor was thinking any day I would go into labor. So I walked more! But sadly things took a turn for the worst!
That Thursday I had my best friend come down to hang out and go bowling (again...trying to induce labor). Things started out normal. I got up, got ready, went out to the living room to wait for my friend. I started to think that it was around 10am...Makenzie is usually very active this time. So I called my nurse (doctor wasn't in on Thursdays) and she had me lay on my side and count kicks for 2 hours. Well after 20 mins and nothing I started to worry! I ended up at my work and got the ultrasound out (which I've done before and kind of knew what I was looking for) and saw that she wasn't moving. I went to the place where the doctor always found her heartbeat and saw nothing! My heart sank!!!! I started to shake and the tears just poured out! Chris, thankfully was with me and rushed me to the hospital. The nurses got me in right away and started hooking me up to the monitors. But after a few mins of not finding a heartbeat they got a small ultrasound machine out and started looking around, all the time saying they're not ultrasound techs so they may not be doing it right. Again no heartbeat. Finally the doctor ordered a real ultrasound. When they came in put the ultrasound where I couldn't see it. After what felt like forever they left us waiting for results. Deep down I think I knew something was wrong but all I wanted to think was things are going to be ok! DENIAL!!!!! When the doctor came in I KNEW and just started sobbing with Chris holding me and crying with me. How could our sweet little Makenzie be dead?! All I wanted was her out, I told the doctor to do a C-section cause I wanted her out right then. But the doctor just let me cry with Chris. Once we became numb he went over our options. We made the choice to deliver her vaginally. I would get an epidural right away and he'd break my water and start the induction.
10 hours later I was ready to push. I had Chris and my mom there to help me. I had a wonderful nurse was there the entire time too. After 1 hour of pushing Makenzie Marie Lockhart came into this world still. She was 8 lbs 11 oz at 20 1/2 inches long. She had the cutest chubby cheeks and a cute button nose. All the heartburn paid off cause she had alot of dark hair. She did have her cord around her head once (but the doctor was not concerned that was the cause). All I wanted to do was hold her! I can't believe that when I was asking for them to take her out right away that I said I didn't want to hold her! Now all I want to do is hold her and stare at her!
We held her and sang to her for 4 1/2 hours. We each had our own personal time with her. But I have to say that even when Chris was holding her all I wanted was to hold her and not share.. even if it was her daddy. I would have loved to have longer with her but we decided that when our delivery nurse was leaving we'd have her take her for the last time. We didn't want anyone else to touch her that didn't know her! We had Now I lay Me Down To Sleep take pictures of her and we had her dressed and wrapped in a little blanket. But when it came down to giving her up I couldn't part with the blanket. I needed something to take with me since I couldn't take my daughter! I needed something that touched her! We sleep with her blanket under our pillows and sometimes take it with us when we travel. It helps me to feel close to her.
It took us a few weeks to find out the autopsy results but they found nothing. The doctor's theory is that she somehow pinched her cord somewhere and cut off blood supply. But no answer could be good knowing that she was perfect and that one day we can have healthy babies.
It still amazes me that I'm Makenzie's Mommy and that I HAVE a beautiful daughter who can't be with us here but will always be in our hearts and on our minds.
That is our story of our daughter Makenzie and though it may be sad there are so many good parts in it and as much as I'd like to change the ending I wouldn't change anything else! Makenzie was and is perfect!
Mommy loves and misses you every second Makenzie! You keep an eye on everyone and keep them safe and one day we'll be with you!
