Monday, June 27, 2011

The little things...

I can't believe what can set me off sometimes...

At work I was making phone calls to clients and there was one that I was going over an estimate for their pet. I know that money can be an issue and this lady was telling me how this past month for her has been hell... As she put it "when it rains, it pours". All I could say to her was I know what she means. Then she began telling me about her last month...the car battery going out, the fridge dieing, and something else (I kinda stopped listening at that point). All I wanted to scream was "Don't be stupid!!!! You really want to hear how crappy life can be....let me tell you, lady!!!!" But again all I said was "I know what you mean." I know it's not her fault that life sucks sometimes but I couldn't help but get mad.

And to top it off, that day so happened to have been the 8 week mark. It wasn't so bad until I was driving up to see my parents and had to drive alone. I know I shouldn't have listened to my Ipod but I really wasn't thinking about it until Makenzie's song came on. I should have just skipped by it but I felt that if I did that that I was trying to forget Makenzie. I felt the NEED to listen to it. I know that I shouldn't have been driving and I'm amazed that I made it up to my parent's place in record time. At that point Chris was already up there and I had him meet me outside before going in. We'd been so busy at work last week that I haven't been able to see Chris much...only in bed since he was already sleeping when I got home. All I wanted to do was have Chris comfort me. I only wanted him at that point. He held me and let me cry some more until my eyes were dry and there weren't anymore tears for the moment.

My mom knew something was wrong, but didn't say anything to me until the next day. She said that I looked tired and upset. I just told her that it had been a hard day. That was that. I think Friday I could have been in a large group and still found something that would have triggered an ugly cry. Being alone sometimes is mind wonders when I'm alone and that can be hard.

But today WILL be a good day.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Step Forward?

I think that I've had an epiphany...

My doctor at my 6 week check-up had said that I should wait 6 months to help with the emotions but that I physically could be ready in a few months. He said that I could start again after about 2-3 periods. Well I wasn't sure if I would be ready that soon, but when I started my period the first thought that ran through my head was "One down". Maybe I am more ready than I thought. People said that when I was ready that I would know, but I never thought that I would be ready so soon. I almost feel a little guilty for feeling that way. Like I owe it to Makenzie to mourn longer. I know that she wouldn't want that, but I keep having these mixed feelings about it. I know that those may never go away until the day that I'm pregnant again.

One down....

Yesterday I went on a walk with my friend and her 2 month old little girl again. And we even went over to their place for dinner. I wasn't sure how that would go since I knew that there would be baby stuff everywhere. All the things that I don't get to have or see unless I open Makenzie's door to her still untouched nursery. But it didn't phase me. I was even able to hold her! I could stand there holding that crying baby without tears (no tears even now). I still missed Makenzie and my heart was aching while I was holding the baby but I knew that she was not Makenzie.

I think my epiphany is that Makenzie is now my angel and there is nothing that I can do to bring her back and however sad that makes me I can't change that. But what I can change is the way that I think. I will always miss and love her and think about her every second but I can't let that run my new life...this life without Makenzie. I have to grow from this and try to think forward. My life has changed dramatically since the death and birth of my daughter, but it's what I choose to do with my life know that will help me or hurt me.

I know that I have so much support out there and that I'm truly thankful for. I just hope that I can stay true to myself and try to allow a shred of my former self out (the funny and happy person I use to be). I don't want my true former self back because that would mean that Makenzie didn't exist and everything would be back to "normal". As devastating as what happened to us was I still want my daughter to exist and it to be known that I did/do have a daughter.

I love you baby Makenzie!

Monday, June 13, 2011

The Rock & Walk

Saturday was my first time at the annual Rock & Walk held by The Tears Foundation. The foundation helps families who have lost their children and needed help with funeral arrangements. It was an amazing but emotional experience to say the least. One that I hope to share with my friends and family...the feeling of happiness to have helped someone like me.

When we first got there we watched the reader board show all the babies that we were walking for that day. There were so many it left a permanent sadness on my heart...knowing that I'm not the only one who has lost a child and has to go through this torment every day. As the parents lead the first lap, Chris and I were more emotional than I thought we would be. And as we rounded the corner under the reader board Makenzie's page came up at that exact same time! That made me cry that much harder to think that she was watching over us at the same moment. And at the end of the walk all the parents were given a balloon and a note card to write a message to our angels. All at once we released the balloons to Heaven. It had been a few days since I'd had an ugly cry but that set me it does right now. For some reason it was like I was trying to let go of everything that had happened and was saying goodbye to my daughter... which I don't want to do. I want to hold on to her so hold her in my arms really. I'm not ready to say goodbye, even though I know that I should some day. It doesn't mean that I will forget her by all means but that I've accepted the fact that I can't hold her and that she won't be growing up and causing trouble like I think she would have. I don't know if I can handle letting her go yet. I have this fear that if I do let her go that she will be lost to me and I won't remember the way that I do know. I know that's not true but I can't help feeling that way.

I miss her every second and I know as time moves on I will too but I'm not ready yet! I will always miss her but I'm looking forward to when my heart doesn't feel like it will explode out of my chest...and I know that there will always be pain in my heart for my daughter. I want to feel happy every time I think of her, not happy with sadness looming in the background.

Mommy love you baby girl and I always will!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Proud of myself!

Yesterday I had mixed emotions about meeting up with my friend and her 8 week old baby girl. But I knew that I couldn't avoid babies forever. We planned on meeting at the mall to go walking (it was too cold to walk around Bradley Lake). When I saw her walking up with her stroller my heart skipped a beat...could I do this? Could I really look into this new babies face and not feel pain? Would I break down and run out of the mall screaming? The answer was NO! Well it was saddening to hear about all the things this new mommy was going through and thinking that I should be going through the same things and wishing that I could. Don't get me wrong, I loved hearing about everything. It made me feel almost human feel happy for my friend.

Now more than ever do I think about trying again. But again the mixed feelings come up and I think it's just something that we need to talk to our doctor about. Not the feelings so much but the medical aspect of trying again. Our chances of this happening again... if it really is a big deal to wait a longer time (I have been doing research that it's best to wait longer and that your chances may go down...but not everything is saying the same). It's so hard not to think about babies and Makenzie. Knowing that I missed out on everything a new mommy gets to do with her. But look forward to hopefully having that chance again.

Seeing my friends baby girl was easier than I thought it was going to be. For some stupid reason I was thinking that I would see Makenzie for a brief second and that would set me over the edge. But all I saw was a cute little baby. I'm not saying that it wasn't hard at times but easier than I thought. No crying and I didn't even cry when I got home. She wasn't MY baby and that was sad but I think that's what made it ok. I think I should be able to see her again...maybe even be brave enough to hold her...we'll see.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Could I be Ready?

There are so many things that are running through my mind, it's hard to concentrate on anything else other than our family. I thought looking at Makenzie's photos would be really hard...making this life a reality that Makenzie is gone and all we have are photos that she existed (and our love and memories of her too). But in reality it was the opposite from that. I felt a sense of calmness and peace almost. Don't get me wrong, I cried the most ugly cry. But after I wiped the tears away I could see that she was at peace. Chris and I just watched the slideshow over and over again. Just looking at her tugged at my heartstrings... I made this beautiful angel and maybe she was too precious to stay here with us. I still miss her and talk to her every day but I think she's showing me things that says "Hi mommy. I'm ok and I love you."

I had a dream 2 nights ago that Makenzie was 3-4 years old and only I could see was snowing and she was throwing snow at me...laughing. I asked "Makenzie, why are you throwing snow at me?" She said with a sweet smile " Because I love you mommy and it's funny!" That dream felt so real to me and maybe she was really in my dream telling me she was thinking of me too. As hard as last Friday was with everything reminding me of her, some people had me thinking that maybe it was Makenzie telling me she's around me where ever I may be. And that thought has helped me to feel uplifted.

I've been thinking alot about our family and trying again. Our doctor recommended that we wait 6 months, even though I will be physically healed sooner he wants me to wait so that I can work on the emotional and mental healing. But the more I think about it the more I want to start sooner....I feel a little out of my mind about it. Could I be ready...sometimes it feels too soon and other times I feel like it can't get here fast enough. I know that me wanting another child doesn't mean that I'm replacing Makenzie in any way (not even possible to replace my angel!), it just means that I don't want to wait to work on our family. I waited 2 years before deciding to have Makenzie and I feel that if I wait 6 months (and who knows how long it may take after that to get pregnant) that I've wasted time building our much wanted family. But I have mixed emotions about starting. I know that when we're ready we'll know, but really to be honest we didn't feel ready when we were "not preventing" with Makenzie. We became ready when we got the news that we were pregnant. I don't know if I'll EVER feel ready. And what makes me more ready in 6 months or 6 years for that matter?! I will ALWAYS be sad that Makenzie's not here but I can't let it run my life because there is nothing that I can do to bring her back. And I just have to face this new life without her and try to move through it in a positive way. But on the other side, I'm scared that this will happen again and I don't know that I could handle this again (not that I handle this really well sometimes). I don't want to be scared through my next pregnancy. I want to be excited like I was with Makenzie. Every baby deserves that kind of happiness and joy while in the womb. I couldn't imagine not loving Makenzie as much as I do, so why would I not show the same love to baby #2? But scary things still are on my mind about being excited and having this happen again.

We'll see what my doctor says on Friday (my 6 week check-up) and just take things one day at a time.

Friday, June 3, 2011

F**k my life today!!!!

Today started off good considering today marks 5 weeks. With that being said...things took a turn for the worst!

On my way to work I checked the mail and Makenzie's photos came in, but left them in the mail box until tonight. So that was on my mind ALL day. After getting to work my first appointment of the day had a newborn...but not just any newborn...a girl! So after that appointment I sat and cried for about 10 mins. After I cleaned my face up I had phone calls to make and after getting on the phone with a client turns out the dogs name is...Kenzie! So another 10 mins of crying! As the day went on a few of my friends had a dog that they were working on some treatments with and they wouldn't let me help (it was slow at work and everyone was trying to find things to do). I asked if they wanted help filling out paperwork but they kept saying no. Someone needed some meds signed off and I was happy to be doing something and as I was reading off the name of the pet it's name guessed it Makenzie (spelled a different way but don't remember the spelling)!!!!! All I said was fuck my life right now!!!!
By that time I was ready to go home but still had 3 hours or so left and Chris wasn't going to be home so why go home to an empty house!

Now I'm just waiting for Chris to come home so we can look at Makenzie's photos together and cry! What a wonderful Friday!

Thursday, June 2, 2011


Yesterday was going well for most of the morning. I was having a pretty good day, looking forward to going back to work full time and seeing my extended family there. I had about 20 mins before I needed to leave, I grabbed the programs from Makenzie's Memorial for people at work and decided that I would bring Makenzie's journal that I've been writing in so that if anyone wanted to write to her they could (we had it out at the services for people to write letters to her). I started looking for her journal and it was nowhere to be found...panic set in! I looked like a crazy person looking for that journal! And to top it off, I couldn't get ahold of Chris to ask him if he had it or knew where it was. I don't think I've every had a panic attack before...I was crying and hyperventilating. I almost called into work to tell them I couldn't come in until I found it! I would never do that before, that's how bad my attack was. I ended up not being able to find it before going to work. I had to pull myself together to make it into work.

A few hours went by when I got a text from Chris saying that he had it at work for his friend to write in it and that he was sorry he didn't tell me. WOW...what a relief. I instantly felt better. I still can't believe that a journal would set me off like that!

Work went great the rest of the day and I was even able to talk about Makenzie without crying (ok I teared up, but made it thru without a break down). I think it's getting easier to talk about her and what happened. Well sometimes...

Got news that her photos from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep will be her tomorrow or Sat. I'm having mixed feelings about seeing them. Part of me is so ready to see my beautiful daughter and part of me is screaming not to because then it's real that she's dead and not here with us. We'll see if I'm ready when they come.

There are days that I don't feel like I have a daughter because I don't have her to hold and look down at. I still can't believe that I gave birth a month's surreal sometimes and I have to remind myself that I DO have a beautiful daughter and that I AM a mommy. It's just that she's an angel and that she's watching over me. But it's still a weird feeling to not have her, I thinks it's the empty arms that make it harder.