Yesterday was going well for most of the morning. I was having a pretty good day, looking forward to going back to work full time and seeing my extended family there. I had about 20 mins before I needed to leave, I grabbed the programs from Makenzie's Memorial for people at work and decided that I would bring Makenzie's journal that I've been writing in so that if anyone wanted to write to her they could (we had it out at the services for people to write letters to her). I started looking for her journal and it was nowhere to be found...panic set in! I looked like a crazy person looking for that journal! And to top it off, I couldn't get ahold of Chris to ask him if he had it or knew where it was. I don't think I've every had a panic attack before...I was crying and hyperventilating. I almost called into work to tell them I couldn't come in until I found it! I would never do that before, that's how bad my attack was. I ended up not being able to find it before going to work. I had to pull myself together to make it into work.
A few hours went by when I got a text from Chris saying that he had it at work for his friend to write in it and that he was sorry he didn't tell me. WOW...what a relief. I instantly felt better. I still can't believe that a journal would set me off like that!
Work went great the rest of the day and I was even able to talk about Makenzie without crying (ok I teared up, but made it thru without a break down). I think it's getting easier to talk about her and what happened. Well sometimes...
Got news that her photos from Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep will be her tomorrow or Sat. I'm having mixed feelings about seeing them. Part of me is so ready to see my beautiful daughter and part of me is screaming not to because then it's real that she's dead and not here with us. We'll see if I'm ready when they come.
There are days that I don't feel like I have a daughter because I don't have her to hold and look down at. I still can't believe that I gave birth a month ago...it's surreal sometimes and I have to remind myself that I DO have a beautiful daughter and that I AM a mommy. It's just that she's an angel and that she's watching over me. But it's still a weird feeling to not have her, I thinks it's the empty arms that make it harder.