Wednesday, June 22, 2011

A Step Forward?

I think that I've had an epiphany...

My doctor at my 6 week check-up had said that I should wait 6 months to help with the emotions but that I physically could be ready in a few months. He said that I could start again after about 2-3 periods. Well I wasn't sure if I would be ready that soon, but when I started my period the first thought that ran through my head was "One down". Maybe I am more ready than I thought. People said that when I was ready that I would know, but I never thought that I would be ready so soon. I almost feel a little guilty for feeling that way. Like I owe it to Makenzie to mourn longer. I know that she wouldn't want that, but I keep having these mixed feelings about it. I know that those may never go away until the day that I'm pregnant again.

One down....

Yesterday I went on a walk with my friend and her 2 month old little girl again. And we even went over to their place for dinner. I wasn't sure how that would go since I knew that there would be baby stuff everywhere. All the things that I don't get to have or see unless I open Makenzie's door to her still untouched nursery. But it didn't phase me. I was even able to hold her! I could stand there holding that crying baby without tears (no tears even now). I still missed Makenzie and my heart was aching while I was holding the baby but I knew that she was not Makenzie.

I think my epiphany is that Makenzie is now my angel and there is nothing that I can do to bring her back and however sad that makes me I can't change that. But what I can change is the way that I think. I will always miss and love her and think about her every second but I can't let that run my new life...this life without Makenzie. I have to grow from this and try to think forward. My life has changed dramatically since the death and birth of my daughter, but it's what I choose to do with my life know that will help me or hurt me.

I know that I have so much support out there and that I'm truly thankful for. I just hope that I can stay true to myself and try to allow a shred of my former self out (the funny and happy person I use to be). I don't want my true former self back because that would mean that Makenzie didn't exist and everything would be back to "normal". As devastating as what happened to us was I still want my daughter to exist and it to be known that I did/do have a daughter.

I love you baby Makenzie!

1 comment:

  1. I love you! Im so happy for you that you were able to spend time with your friend and her baby amd enjoy that time! i know you laugh at all times youve been told that you are strong, but its true. Ypu have incredible coping skills and an amazing ability to share your emotions/thoughts. I am so thankful to have you in my life and cant wait to see whats coming up in the future for you!! I hope we can find time to hang out soon!