Thursday, December 27, 2012

The Holidays

I can't believe that the holidays have come and gone. These makes two. I thought that they might be a little easier this year because of Landen but I was wrong... I couldn't help but be upset thinking about all the things she would be getting into and how different it would have been. Don't get me wrong, I loved watching Landen try his first Thanksgiving roll and opening his Christmas presents, it's just that I miss Makenzie too. It's sometimes hard to balance both.

Another hard thing happened a couple of days before brother-in-law and his wife had their baby girl and if that wasn't hard enough she weighed exactly what Makenzie weighed, 8 lbs 11 oz! We went up to see them after I got off work and as happy as I was trying to be for them I was also really scared to go. But I went and knowing that she was the same weight I wasn't planning on holding her...I was not ready for that. Once we got there I thought that if I was holding Landen I wouldn't be able to hold her, but my brother-in-law asked to see Landen, and in a whirl I was holding Olivia. Everyone was asking me if I was ok and all I could do was nod. I didn't want to ruin their day with their new baby. All I could do was stand there and try not to cry. I could only hold her for a few minutes before handing her over. We left shortly after that. But the next day I went back to show my support and it got easier...she looked nothing like Makenzie. It was the fact that while holding her my heart ached to hold Makenzie again and knowing I can never hold her in this life really hurt. I was just really missing her! But now that she's older it's fine holding her and seeing her. I love my niece!

Well Landen is now up but now that I should be able to blog a little more since I can now do it in bed! :)

Friday, September 28, 2012

Too Long

It has been too long since I last blogged...I feel so bad for that. Time just has been slipping by so fast that I keep meaning to blog and then something happens and a few days go by. But needless to say I put my things down and came to my computer and here I am...

It has been a few months since we went to our baby loss group. Well not entirely true...we have been going to a group that a few of us have kind of started on the same night but it's for pregnancy/babies after loss. That group is really nice because we seem to be in a different place now than we were last year. Anyways, on Wednesday we decided to get a sitter for Landen and go to the "old" group. We really wanted to dedicate the whole meeting to Makenzie and to tell her story (we're pretty close to those in the group and they know her story well). I have to say that it was hard to tell it again. I had been so long since we told her story our loud that even though it's always on our minds the small details of that day came flooding back to the surface! The way our doctor looked when he came into our room to tell us our baby was dead, the way I felt when they told me it was time to push...not wanting to push because that means that she would be coming out of me and we wouldn't get to take her home, getting to hold her, and the last time I would ever get to see her again. It felt horrible to tell her story, to relive it in my mind over again, but it felt good too. To tell people that she existed and that she is loved and missed.
Chris and I talked on the way home about the group...should we go back or stay with our "new" group? It's so hard because we love having the time just for Makenzie. We don't talk about Landen because there are some who it would hurt since their loss is so fresh and I know that when it was fresh for us we HATED new babies and pregnant women because they get their babies and we didn't. So out of respect to them we don't talk about him. But we're not at that place anymore...the wound is not wide open and's just wide open but not bleeding as much. Our new group is nice to talk about the feelings of having a "rainbow" baby after our loss and the struggles we face as new parents of living babies.
I think we might just switch it up ever so often. Or if we get in new people into our group we would get the opportunity to talk about Makenzie's story.

I hope to be able to blog more often now that Landen is getting bigger and taking better naps!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Little Brother

Friday, April 13th at 7:44 AM, Makenzie's little brother Landen was born...

Check in was at 5:15 AM for our scheduled c-section with the surgery starting at 7:15 AM. As we got to the hospital I was starting to get really nervous due to the fact that I was having a major surgery done. Laying in the prep room my blood pressure was getting higher and higher. But as soon as they put Landen's heart monitor on it went down (not down to normal but at least done). Everything was good for now. Finally they had me go into the very cold surgery room to get hooked up and to get my spinal done.

Let me tell you how much a spinal hurts...well it's mostly the lidocain that they inject first that hurts like hell. It's like a burning that goes down your spine and makes you want to cry out. But once that kicks in you really can't feel anything else. It was really weird to have your legs go warm, from your feet up to your lower back. They then strap my almost paralyzed legs to the bed and start prepping my body.

I could feel sensations and pulling but no pain. Then I heard the most beautiful sound I could ever hear...Landen screaming bloody murder as soon as they pulled him out. The tears just started to flow. I got to see a little of him around the drape they had. But listening to him was music to my ears. After a few minutes the drape moved and cut off my view off. I started to panic but as long as I could hear him I knew things were good. Once they got him cleaned, Chris brought him over to me to kiss (I wasn't able to hold him because my arms were out at a T with wires and IV lines). It was the most precious thing when he was crying all I did was say his name over and over again and he looked at me because he knew my voice. I was able to calm him down for a short with just my voice.

While I was in recovery, Chris took Landen to the nursery to give him his bath and get him ready to feed. It was so nice to have alone time with Chris and Landen before everyone got to meet him. We took time to feed him and bond with him and to just stare at him. He is so handsome.

This experience has been so wonderful but I can't help but think about Makenzie on that day and what we went through. But I would never change anything about the short time we got with Makenzie.

I know in my heart and soul that Makenzie is watching over us and protecting her little brother. Landen will know all about his big sister and how much we love them both.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Hospital visit

Wow it's been way too long since I've blogged. Maybe I've been holding too much in and should really come back to it.

Last Thursday I was having alot of pelvic pressure with Landen so we decided to go to the hospital to check it out. It was the first time that we have been back to Labor and Delivery since we had Makenzie. I wasn't sure how I would feel about going back. I knew that we'd have to come back to have Landen but I guess I wasn't sure how I would feel. Once we got checked into the front desk she wheeled us back. "We have room 2 available for you" said the nurse. My heart sank....that was Makenzie's room. We had told her what happened to us in that room and she was so kind as to get us into a different room. It's silly that just having a room that faced the other way helped me. But as we waited for us to be hooked up to the monitors I got to thinking about that day with Makenzie. How different this time around would be for us. The first monitor she put on me was the fetal heart was a relief to hear his heartbeat (even though I knew he was ok because he was kicking around). After the nurse left I couldn't help but cry a little. Last time we were in this hospital we didn't need the fetal heart monitor. I can't believe that it's been almost a year since Makenzie was born and we had to start to live this new life without her. Now I'm worried on how I'll feel when we go into the hospital to have Landen. I know that I'll be happy to hopefully have a healthy baby but I also know how hard it will be to know that Makenzie isn't with us (well besides in our hearts).
After an hour of monitoring and questions the hospital doctor came in to check me and there was no change from my doctor appt that Wednesday. So back home we went.

With every passing moment that Landen's not here I become a little more scared that something will go wrong. I don't sleep very well in fears that he'll stop moving. I swear Landen's going to come out and sleep alot since I don't give him much time to sleep cause all I want to do is check on him every few minutes to make sure he's alive and well. We'll be delivering him a week early but I still worry that something will go wrong and we'll be at the hospital again with horrible news. I guess this is just something I have to live with until he gets here. Then there are new worries to worry about.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

A bad Morning

This morning I woke up and all I had on my mind was Makenzie...more than usual. Every morning I lay in bed and wait until Landen moves then I feel like I can go on with my day. And as I laid there waiting (not long) I started to think about that morning when I noticed Makenzie wasn't moving. Then that whole 2 days just started to rush back to me like it was happening again. Every moment of those days became clear to me in my mind, like I was watching a movie. Who would want to see that movie?! I'm not sure if I had a dream about her or I just woke up thinking about her more than normal. It's strange how on days that I talk about her alot I'm ok and on random days I feel like I'm falling apart and can't keep it together. I guess today is one of those days. I think it's finally setting in that her 1st birthday is right around the corner. I want to have a birthday gathering for her but it has to be perfect and maybe that's what I'm worried about...the planning. Maybe subconsciously I'm worried about Landen. I'm now in my 3rd trimester and April is fast approaching. If it happened to me once I know that it could always happen again. Maybe it's mixture of both. April will be so sad and hopefully happy at the same time. I knew that I would have to deal with Makenzie's 1st birthday regardless if we were not pregnant, pregnant, or have a baby... I just don't want it to come. That means that 2 years will come and 5 years and 10 years will come and Makenzie will not be here to grow up and live her life with us. Instead we will celebrate her short 40wks and 3 day life. I would NEVER wish this feeling on anyone in the whole world. No one should have to feel this way about their child. Everyone says that Chris and I are so strong...but really some days I feel sooooo weak that I can hardly make it out of bed. I try to look strong on the outside but inside I'm screaming at the world for moving on in it's everyday when MY world wants to stop. I hope that there is a light at the end of the tunnel...Landen healthy and alive. But I still have about 11 weeks to go and until I hear him cry I don't think I will be any more sane. And then I have SIDS to freak out about! I hope that Makenzie will help us through this. I just miss her so much.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

What a day

November 28th (a Monday) was the day we went in for our big ultrasound. We were so nervous that things weren't well with the baby...I had this fear that there wasn't going to be a heartbeat or that they were going to find out that something was wrong with our baby. It was a building we had never been to, so that helped it to stay less scary. As we were waiting to be taking into the back I could feel my blood pressure rise by the second.

Finally, they brought us back. She lubed up my growing belly and started. First thing she looked for was the heart...BEATING!! It was so nice that the lady pointed everything out but really hard that she can't tell us if things look good/bad (only the doctor can). As she scanned Jellybean we could see how active the baby was, didn't want to stay still! The scanning continued and all of a sudden I look at the screen and I could plainly see...a leg, another leg and clearly something in between them. "It's a boy isn't it?!" The lady agreed and pointed it out to us. My mind started to spin. The tears started to fall but I tried to keep them in. I didn't want to scare the lady since she might not know why I was crying. My bladder filled up more (already full from drinking 16 oz of water before, which is really mean to do to a pregnant lady) so the lady had me use the bathroom. She wasn't in the room when I came out and I went to Chris and just cried. "We're suppose to have another girl! What are we going to do with all of Makenzie's things..." The time leading up to this we both thought it was a girl. We kept call it "her" and I really felt like it was a girl. So finding out that there was a boy inside me almost felt like a ton of bricks.

The lady returned and finished the ultrasound. I had her go back to look at the gender one last time to really confirm it (even though there is no way it couldn't be a obvious) and sure enough it was still a boy!

Calling my mom after was really hard. I tried to sound happy that he was healthy but I started to cry again. I just never thought that I should have prepared myself in case it was a boy. We came home and as I went to the bathroom, Chris went to Makenzie's room and grabbed her blanket and cried. Up until that second he was really strong. Seeing him cry in her room for his daughter and the next daughter we thought we were having was heartbreaking. It was almost like we lost another child. Things that we would miss with a little girl...gone AGAIN! We kept telling ourselves that he's healthy and we should be happy for that. But it was so hard to not think about having to put all the pink away.

We both had to work that day and as the news spread that I was carrying a boy everyone was happy for us and would tell me fun things about little boys. But there was still tears.

The next day was completely a different day and a different way of thinking... it's like I had gotten over the fact that we're not having a girl and I tried to have fun with the idea of a boy. I wanted him to have the same excitement that we gave Makenzie. I started going thru all the pink... keeping the outfits that were for Makenzie, the ones that were special to us. After that was done I just thought, since I have them out I might as well look for things we can use for our son. But that didn't end there... I started separating everything into age groups and started marking what we had. By the end of the night I had decided to post everything on Facebook to sell. It was easier than I thought. But it was just clothes to me. I didn't want to become a hoarder because we lost our daughter. I wanted to be excited about having a healthy son.

As the week went on, it was getting easier to think about having a boy. Plus hearing stories about little boys helped. The different bond that they have with their moms, and the sports/activities they can have with their dads. Now all I care about is having a healthy LIVING baby in the end.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011


I want to take a few moments to tell everyone what I'm thankful for this year...

I'm thankful (and grateful) for my husband, Chris. He has been there for me in so many ways. I knew he was the one for me when he okayed to move away from our family and friends down south (only about 1 1/2 hrs away) so that I could go to the vet tech school I wanted to go to. Not to mention dealing with me WHILE I was in school! He work sooo many hard long hours so that I didn't have to work much while in school. I truly married my best friend! And when we decided to start our family he was just as excited as me when we found out we were pregnant, even excited when we found out we were having a girl. I'm so thankful that he helped make Makenzie. And when the ending didn't come out as planned, there is no one that I would have been able to make it thru than with him. I know that he was hurting too but he was there to pick up my pieces and help hold me together. When we talked about trying for a little sibling, he was ready before me but said that whenever I was ready we would try again. And as this pregnancy continues he has lifted my spirits and calmed me when needed. Chris is my everything and I would do anything for him. I am so thankful to say that I have found my soulmate.

There is no way I could not be thankful for my family and friends. They have all been there for us in so many ways. I have heard stories of others who have lost their babies and tell us about their horrible families and the things they have to deal with and that makes me so sad that they don't have the support of family and friends. Our lives have been flipped upside down (and twisted a few times too) that if it wasn't for my family and friends we would still be upside down. I know that our world is still shity without Makenzie but with our family it has made it less hard to live thru the shit.

I'm thankful for this second chance I have with the Jellybean. It's hard to think that this chance could end like the first, but I'm glad that there is still a glimmer of hope growing inside me. I'm so thankful for Makenzie. She has taught me the most in such a short time. She has taught me to live life to the fullest, to make more time for family and friends. To enjoy the little things because those things could be gone in any moment. And when I'm up every 2 hours with a screaming baby (hopefully) to enjoy those times and not to get upset because God has given us 2 that I watch over and another to watch over us.