Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Could I be Ready?

There are so many things that are running through my mind, it's hard to concentrate on anything else other than our family. I thought looking at Makenzie's photos would be really hard...making this life a reality that Makenzie is gone and all we have are photos that she existed (and our love and memories of her too). But in reality it was the opposite from that. I felt a sense of calmness and peace almost. Don't get me wrong, I cried the most ugly cry. But after I wiped the tears away I could see that she was at peace. Chris and I just watched the slideshow over and over again. Just looking at her tugged at my heartstrings... I made this beautiful angel and maybe she was too precious to stay here with us. I still miss her and talk to her every day but I think she's showing me things that says "Hi mommy. I'm ok and I love you."

I had a dream 2 nights ago that Makenzie was 3-4 years old and only I could see her...it was snowing and she was throwing snow at me...laughing. I asked "Makenzie, why are you throwing snow at me?" She said with a sweet smile " Because I love you mommy and it's funny!" That dream felt so real to me and maybe she was really in my dream telling me she was thinking of me too. As hard as last Friday was with everything reminding me of her, some people had me thinking that maybe it was Makenzie telling me she's around me where ever I may be. And that thought has helped me to feel uplifted.

I've been thinking alot about our family and trying again. Our doctor recommended that we wait 6 months, even though I will be physically healed sooner he wants me to wait so that I can work on the emotional and mental healing. But the more I think about it the more I want to start sooner....I feel a little out of my mind about it. Could I be ready...sometimes it feels too soon and other times I feel like it can't get here fast enough. I know that me wanting another child doesn't mean that I'm replacing Makenzie in any way (not even possible to replace my angel!), it just means that I don't want to wait to work on our family. I waited 2 years before deciding to have Makenzie and I feel that if I wait 6 months (and who knows how long it may take after that to get pregnant) that I've wasted time building our much wanted family. But I have mixed emotions about starting. I know that when we're ready we'll know, but really to be honest we didn't feel ready when we were "not preventing" with Makenzie. We became ready when we got the news that we were pregnant. I don't know if I'll EVER feel ready. And what makes me more ready in 6 months or 6 years for that matter?! I will ALWAYS be sad that Makenzie's not here but I can't let it run my life because there is nothing that I can do to bring her back. And I just have to face this new life without her and try to move through it in a positive way. But on the other side, I'm scared that this will happen again and I don't know that I could handle this again (not that I handle this really well sometimes). I don't want to be scared through my next pregnancy. I want to be excited like I was with Makenzie. Every baby deserves that kind of happiness and joy while in the womb. I couldn't imagine not loving Makenzie as much as I do, so why would I not show the same love to baby #2? But scary things still are on my mind about being excited and having this happen again.

We'll see what my doctor says on Friday (my 6 week check-up) and just take things one day at a time.

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