I walk into work today (well yesterday since it's passed midnight) and my first thing I do is find the surgery tech and find out if there are any dentals to be done...none. So my next thing I always do is go into the lab and see where we are in there and what I can take over for the other techs. While in the lab I hear a young baby crying from the office around the corner. Stupid me...I follow the sound and walk around the corner. In my manger's arms is a little red headed baby I've never seen before. I ask who's the baby and they tell me it's my old co-worker's. No for those of you who don't know my work, this co-worker was pregnant the same time I was, but a month after me. That was her baby girl! All I did was look at the baby and walk away. I went straight to the treatment area and just looked at the other techs with tears in my eyes. They all looked at me and I said "I didn't know that Leanna was here with her baby....I'm sorry but can I do something back here so I don't have to see her?!" They all said that it was ok that I didn't want to see her and that I had nothing to be sorry about. I asked one of them to go tell her that I'm sorry that I couldn't see her right now. Nothing personal! My co-worker totally understood. I knew she would.
I felt sick thinking that I had to hide out in the back. Like I had to avoid her like the plague. She was there for almost 3 hours...I felt like a prisoner at my own work. I know that it was my choice to stay away but I just couldn't put myself in that kind of mood, anymore than I already was. It was so unexpected that it threw me off...talk about a curve ball right to the heart!
I've been so good around other babies but it never really hit home like today. Something about being pregnant along with someone else through your WHOLE pregnancy and seeing her baby, GIRL no less, and not having mine was really heartbreaking. I'm not sure how I'll deal when she decides to come back to work. I'm sure she'll have stories about her baby...and I won't! I'm suppose to be the one giving her advice since Makenzie would have been a month older. But that's just one more thing I WON'T be getting to do!
I do have to say that I did well, even with the curve ball. I tried to keep busy to keep from crying. That worked pretty well. Even now as I write this I'm not crying. It's more like I'm angry that I let myself get surprised by a baby. I shouldn't be scared to see babies since I'm hoping on getting pregnant again. But I let it beat me today. I was a scared little kid hiding under the covers waiting for the monster to go away from my closet. What a coward I was.
I think I do so well with my other friend's baby (who's a few weeks older than Makenzie would be) because it's on my terms. We plan things. No surprises when it comes to the meetings. There's no way that I can always plan when I'm going to see any baby but it still stings a little.