Torture

I don't know why I do this to myself! Maybe I get some sick happiness for torturing myself...

It started out as a good day. All except Chris left to go play football but I didn't want to go due to it being far away, getting home really late, and working at 8 tomorrow morning. I was finishing a craft project for my niece's birthday party (which is always a good distraction) when all of a sudden the tears just started to flow! I'm not even sure what set them off this time. So I cried for a while (it seems to be worse when Chris isn't here to comfort me).

But that's not even what I tormented myself with...OH NO... I went into Makenzie's room. I haven't been in there for at least a couple weeks, maybe even more. And to pour salt on the wound I decided that TODAY was the day that I would empty out her dresser. We decided to leave her room the way it is until we get pregnant again. It's HER room now. But I thought that I would empty out her dresser at least and box up the clothes. Even if we have another girl, I want to be able to put those clothes back. You know...nesting. And that way if it's going to be a boy, it will make it that much easier to part with all her clothes....I don't even want to think about having a boy!!! I don't think I'm strong enough to get rid of her clothes!

Sitting in her room was soooo hard! Part of me doesn't want to believe that she's dead and part of me knows the truth. It takes all my strength not to want to trash her room, to throw things and to get angry. But I know if I do I'll regret it later. Plus I don't want to upset Chris, even though I don't think he's been in there since it's happened. I just want to scream!!!! I want to be mad at someone...to be mad at Him for taking her away from us! But I know that I'm not mad at Him. I just want to blame someone. I want to point my finger and scream at the one who took my baby away!

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It started out as a good day...