I should be sleeping right now...but my mind is running on full cylinders.
Chris and I were talking last night while laying in bed about Makenzie and her possible siblings. He says "I'm ready when you're ready." But then says that he's worried that I might be rushing into starting again. We wouldn't start until Sept at the earliest. He's worried that I won't be emotionally ready and that this next baby is my way of fixing things. You know when people have babies to save their marriages...he thinks that's what I'm doing. Well not trying to save our marriage (it's going great and he's the best husband ever!) but to fill the void that was left when Makenzie died. Now I'm not sure if that's why I feel ready. I know that I'm not replacing Makenzie but now there are more questions that I should be asking myself before we start again.
When I think of babies I think of joy and happiness and that's why Chris thinks that I'm trying to have a baby to fill my emotions and not to deal with her death. And the way that he said it made me stop and think about the reasons why I want to try again so soon. I know that we have time to wait but I'm not sure if I want to waste time waiting to have a live baby.
So many things to think about...I wish there was a test to take to see if you're ready to try again. But all I can do is take things one day at a time (which is hard for me sometimes since I love to plan everything!) People keep telling me that I'll know when I'm ready but how will I know... will there be a big flashing sign that says "Start having as much sex as possible!!!! You're ready to have a baby!" No, that would be too easy!!
We also talked about seeing a therapist. Chris thinks they might help by giving me coping tools and some insight on trying again. We just got the info today, so I'll be looking into it shortly. I really think that missing our support group last month (we thought it was on a different day) set us back a little. I think we might try one counseling session and if we don't like it or can't afford it than we'll just find another support group and go twice a month instead of once a month.
Well I think I'm ready for bed now. I think I got everything out that was keeping me awake!