Remembering our babies

So today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and in honor of our babies please light a candle from 7pm to 8pm...

Today The Tears Foundation put together a gathering for those who have lost their babies. It was at a beautiful chapel in Puyallup. In front of a full wall of windows that over looked Mt Rainier (if it wasn't cloudy out) sat a table with unlit candles. As we walked in we were able to write Makenzie's name on a card and decorate it anyway we wanted to. After a small speech and beautiful song we were given the chance to go up to the table and light a candle for our babies. Everyone got up and said who they were honoring. I feel blessed that I was able to go up (with tears) and say "I'm lighting this candle for my daughter Makenzie who was stillborn April 29th, 2011 at 40wks and 3 days to unknown causes. We miss you so very much!" After everyone was done there was another song and we were able to gather and meet and share our sadness with those who truly "get it". I had one woman who came up to me and she just wanted to share that she just lost her daughter (2months ago) and that our story was similar to Makenzie's. It saddens me to hear others who have to go through this pain but at least we're not alone. We talked and shared for a long while and exchanged phone numbers in case we needed some to talk to. It's so nice to have those new friends to help you through the day. I have met so many new friends in this horrible club but to see some hope on some of those faces and to see little ones running around...how could that not give you hope?

I want to thank my brother-in-law and my soon to be sister-in-law and my good friend from work for being there for me! I know that you both have had a loss in your life and that I will always be there for you guys as you have been here for us! Thank you for the support!

And to my husband...I know that you couldn't make it but I know that Makenzie was with us both and smiling down on us! I love you and want to say that you have been my BIGGEST support. There is no one I would want to go through this with than with you...Makenzie's daddy! You sure did help make a beautiful little angel!

My dearest Makenzie,

Today we light a candle for you and even though that candle may fade, the candle in our hearts will never dim. For the love that we have for you and the love that you have showed us will always keep it lit and one day will help guide us to you.

Love always, Mommy and Daddy

Our appointment and the flash of fear

We had our doctors appointment with our new doctor (Makenzie's retired on us!). As we were waiting to be seen a woman and her newborn came in...even though the baby was covered I could tell it was a newborn by the tiny sounds she was making. I knew it was a girl because she has the same car seat as Makenzie. I almost feel apart. I shouldn't have to be at this appointment. I should be having fun with my daughter. But that's not the case and we have to find a great doctor who will understand what we went through and to treat us a little differently than his other patients.
So we get into our appointment and Dr. Majors comes in and shakes our hands "lets look at your history and see where were at....(as he looks I'm sure it just says 'THEIR BABY DIED AT 40WKS & 3DAYS!!!!!!')...ok that changes things. Lets talk about what we're going to do for you." He then tells us that we will be coming in more after 30wks and having more ultrasounds and NST (non-stress test) and possibly a amniocentesis (amniotic fluid that is removed from the amniotic sac to test for fetal lung maturity) at 37wks and induction around 38-39wks. He said that he wished he could say that he hasn't dealt with this before but he said that he's seen about everything and he might become a basket case when it come to monitoring the baby. That made us feel really safe.
We were able to use our Doppler we got and it was hard to find the heartbeat at first (sometimes at 12 wks it might be too faint) and my heart I'm sure skipped a beat until he found it...160!! He said that it's good and strong. Making babies and keeping them until they are full term is not our problem...we're praying that this outcome will be better than the last. We really like that fact that the doctor's office is right across from the hospital and that if he's not there for some reason that he works with 4 other great doctors who will take our situation into great care and compassion. One week at a time for us!

After that appointment I felt a huge feeling of guilt and fear. Guilt because we wouldn't be having this baby if Makenzie was still here and fear because this one can end the same way as last. But I love this baby as much as I love Makenzie, even if this love is newer than with Makenzie only because I had the pleasure of knowing Makenzie longer because my love grew every day with her. I'm 13 wks today and every day my love for the jelly bean grows as it did with Makenzie.

I still think about Makenzie every second and wonder what she's doing and if she's being a good girl or a little monster like her mom! It has been a while since I've cried and for some reason I feel bad for that. Like I'm a bad mom for not crying every second of the day even though I miss her dearly every second. And of coarse I'm crying right now as I write this but I still feel bad for not crying more. It's almost like I'm too busy to sit down and think about the fact that on Oct 29th it will mark 6 months already. Either that or I don't want to think about it... it hurts too much to think about it every day. Instead I think about Makenzie and how beautiful she is.

Tomorrow is Oct 15th worldwide, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. We'll be lighting a candle for our daughter and I'm sure I'll be a mess that day. But I'll be with some good friends that have showed so much support so I know I'll be in good hands.

A little side note: I had a dream last night that there was a butterfly (yellow and black one) that was everywhere I was and every time I would sand still it would land on me and flutter it's wings. I believe that it was Makenzie in my dreams. I've only had one dream where I actually saw Makenzie (as a little girl not a baby) and all the other dreams have been with a butterfly. But they aren't as often as I'd like but I'll take them whenever I can.