November 28th (a Monday) was the day we went in for our big ultrasound. We were so nervous that things weren't well with the baby...I had this fear that there wasn't going to be a heartbeat or that they were going to find out that something was wrong with our baby. It was a building we had never been to, so that helped it to stay less scary. As we were waiting to be taking into the back I could feel my blood pressure rise by the second.
Finally, they brought us back. She lubed up my growing belly and started. First thing she looked for was the heart...BEATING!! It was so nice that the lady pointed everything out but really hard that she can't tell us if things look good/bad (only the doctor can). As she scanned Jellybean we could see how active the baby was, didn't want to stay still! The scanning continued and all of a sudden I look at the screen and I could plainly see...a leg, another leg and clearly something in between them. "It's a boy isn't it?!" The lady agreed and pointed it out to us. My mind started to spin. The tears started to fall but I tried to keep them in. I didn't want to scare the lady since she might not know why I was crying. My bladder filled up more (already full from drinking 16 oz of water before, which is really mean to do to a pregnant lady) so the lady had me use the bathroom. She wasn't in the room when I came out and I went to Chris and just cried. "We're suppose to have another girl! What are we going to do with all of Makenzie's things..." The time leading up to this we both thought it was a girl. We kept call it "her" and I really felt like it was a girl. So finding out that there was a boy inside me almost felt like a ton of bricks.
The lady returned and finished the ultrasound. I had her go back to look at the gender one last time to really confirm it (even though there is no way it couldn't be a boy...so obvious) and sure enough it was still a boy!
Calling my mom after was really hard. I tried to sound happy that he was healthy but I started to cry again. I just never thought that I should have prepared myself in case it was a boy. We came home and as I went to the bathroom, Chris went to Makenzie's room and grabbed her blanket and cried. Up until that second he was really strong. Seeing him cry in her room for his daughter and the next daughter we thought we were having was heartbreaking. It was almost like we lost another child. Things that we would miss with a little girl...gone AGAIN! We kept telling ourselves that he's healthy and we should be happy for that. But it was so hard to not think about having to put all the pink away.
We both had to work that day and as the news spread that I was carrying a boy everyone was happy for us and would tell me fun things about little boys. But there was still tears.
The next day was completely a different day and a different way of thinking... it's like I had gotten over the fact that we're not having a girl and I tried to have fun with the idea of a boy. I wanted him to have the same excitement that we gave Makenzie. I started going thru all the pink... keeping the outfits that were for Makenzie, the ones that were special to us. After that was done I just thought, since I have them out I might as well look for things we can use for our son. But that didn't end there... I started separating everything into age groups and started marking what we had. By the end of the night I had decided to post everything on Facebook to sell. It was easier than I thought. But it was just clothes to me. I didn't want to become a hoarder because we lost our daughter. I wanted to be excited about having a healthy son.
As the week went on, it was getting easier to think about having a boy. Plus hearing stories about little boys helped. The different bond that they have with their moms, and the sports/activities they can have with their dads. Now all I care about is having a healthy LIVING baby in the end.
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Thankful
I want to take a few moments to tell everyone what I'm thankful for this year...
I'm thankful (and grateful) for my husband, Chris. He has been there for me in so many ways. I knew he was the one for me when he okayed to move away from our family and friends down south (only about 1 1/2 hrs away) so that I could go to the vet tech school I wanted to go to. Not to mention dealing with me WHILE I was in school! He work sooo many hard long hours so that I didn't have to work much while in school. I truly married my best friend! And when we decided to start our family he was just as excited as me when we found out we were pregnant, even excited when we found out we were having a girl. I'm so thankful that he helped make Makenzie. And when the ending didn't come out as planned, there is no one that I would have been able to make it thru than with him. I know that he was hurting too but he was there to pick up my pieces and help hold me together. When we talked about trying for a little sibling, he was ready before me but said that whenever I was ready we would try again. And as this pregnancy continues he has lifted my spirits and calmed me when needed. Chris is my everything and I would do anything for him. I am so thankful to say that I have found my soulmate.
There is no way I could not be thankful for my family and friends. They have all been there for us in so many ways. I have heard stories of others who have lost their babies and tell us about their horrible families and the things they have to deal with and that makes me so sad that they don't have the support of family and friends. Our lives have been flipped upside down (and twisted a few times too) that if it wasn't for my family and friends we would still be upside down. I know that our world is still shity without Makenzie but with our family it has made it less hard to live thru the shit.
I'm thankful for this second chance I have with the Jellybean. It's hard to think that this chance could end like the first, but I'm glad that there is still a glimmer of hope growing inside me. I'm so thankful for Makenzie. She has taught me the most in such a short time. She has taught me to live life to the fullest, to make more time for family and friends. To enjoy the little things because those things could be gone in any moment. And when I'm up every 2 hours with a screaming baby (hopefully) to enjoy those times and not to get upset because God has given us 2 gifts...one that I watch over and another to watch over us.
I'm thankful (and grateful) for my husband, Chris. He has been there for me in so many ways. I knew he was the one for me when he okayed to move away from our family and friends down south (only about 1 1/2 hrs away) so that I could go to the vet tech school I wanted to go to. Not to mention dealing with me WHILE I was in school! He work sooo many hard long hours so that I didn't have to work much while in school. I truly married my best friend! And when we decided to start our family he was just as excited as me when we found out we were pregnant, even excited when we found out we were having a girl. I'm so thankful that he helped make Makenzie. And when the ending didn't come out as planned, there is no one that I would have been able to make it thru than with him. I know that he was hurting too but he was there to pick up my pieces and help hold me together. When we talked about trying for a little sibling, he was ready before me but said that whenever I was ready we would try again. And as this pregnancy continues he has lifted my spirits and calmed me when needed. Chris is my everything and I would do anything for him. I am so thankful to say that I have found my soulmate.
There is no way I could not be thankful for my family and friends. They have all been there for us in so many ways. I have heard stories of others who have lost their babies and tell us about their horrible families and the things they have to deal with and that makes me so sad that they don't have the support of family and friends. Our lives have been flipped upside down (and twisted a few times too) that if it wasn't for my family and friends we would still be upside down. I know that our world is still shity without Makenzie but with our family it has made it less hard to live thru the shit.
I'm thankful for this second chance I have with the Jellybean. It's hard to think that this chance could end like the first, but I'm glad that there is still a glimmer of hope growing inside me. I'm so thankful for Makenzie. She has taught me the most in such a short time. She has taught me to live life to the fullest, to make more time for family and friends. To enjoy the little things because those things could be gone in any moment. And when I'm up every 2 hours with a screaming baby (hopefully) to enjoy those times and not to get upset because God has given us 2 gifts...one that I watch over and another to watch over us.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
6 months
So I have finally decided that I was ready to talk about 10/29 which marked Makenzie's 6 months since being an angel.
The week leading up to it was scary...I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. But it was that Friday (10/28) that was the hardest. That was the day that my world came crashing down. The day that we were told our daughter was dead.
I woke up feeling okay but it wasn't until I had to go and see the world since I had to work that day. I felt like all I wanted was to be alone but at the same time I didn't want my mind to wonder and to remember that day. So I went on with my day...not every well but I made it through. Not without a few break downs.
Saturday...My parents and my brother came down to spend the day with us and the boys went golfing (since it was a beautiful day) and my mom and I went shopping. After they left, Chris and I decided that we would finally look at the color originals that we got from Now I lay Me Down To Sleep. I had emailed the photographer that took Makenzie's photos and asked for the un-touched originals since we didn't have any color photos of her. It took us about a week to get the nerve to look at them. I had forgotten how pale she looked. I know that photos aren't always the best when it comes to shades and lighting can make the color look different too. But I had forgotten how bad her skin had looked...where it had peeled. At that moment I felt like a horrible mom, not remembering how she looked on that short day...that only day we had with her. But I guess I only remember holding her and loving her and remembering that she was our daughter and she was perfect in our eyes.
I can't believe that 6 months have come so fast. I watch other moms who have 6 month olds and I can't even picture what she would look like...I only have this picture in my mind of my newborn (even though she was 8lbs 11oz...not really the size of a newborn). We joke when we see 6 month olds that they are just now the size that Makenzie was at birth and that makes me smile. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about her and how my life would have been but I wouldn't change one second of that day if it meant that I wouldn't have had my daughter.
I love you Makenzie and you will forever be in our hearts!
The week leading up to it was scary...I wasn't sure how I was going to feel. But it was that Friday (10/28) that was the hardest. That was the day that my world came crashing down. The day that we were told our daughter was dead.
I woke up feeling okay but it wasn't until I had to go and see the world since I had to work that day. I felt like all I wanted was to be alone but at the same time I didn't want my mind to wonder and to remember that day. So I went on with my day...not every well but I made it through. Not without a few break downs.
Saturday...My parents and my brother came down to spend the day with us and the boys went golfing (since it was a beautiful day) and my mom and I went shopping. After they left, Chris and I decided that we would finally look at the color originals that we got from Now I lay Me Down To Sleep. I had emailed the photographer that took Makenzie's photos and asked for the un-touched originals since we didn't have any color photos of her. It took us about a week to get the nerve to look at them. I had forgotten how pale she looked. I know that photos aren't always the best when it comes to shades and lighting can make the color look different too. But I had forgotten how bad her skin had looked...where it had peeled. At that moment I felt like a horrible mom, not remembering how she looked on that short day...that only day we had with her. But I guess I only remember holding her and loving her and remembering that she was our daughter and she was perfect in our eyes.
I can't believe that 6 months have come so fast. I watch other moms who have 6 month olds and I can't even picture what she would look like...I only have this picture in my mind of my newborn (even though she was 8lbs 11oz...not really the size of a newborn). We joke when we see 6 month olds that they are just now the size that Makenzie was at birth and that makes me smile. There isn't a second that goes by that I don't think about her and how my life would have been but I wouldn't change one second of that day if it meant that I wouldn't have had my daughter.
I love you Makenzie and you will forever be in our hearts!
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Remembering our babies
So today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and in honor of our babies please light a candle from 7pm to 8pm...
Today The Tears Foundation put together a gathering for those who have lost their babies. It was at a beautiful chapel in Puyallup. In front of a full wall of windows that over looked Mt Rainier (if it wasn't cloudy out) sat a table with unlit candles. As we walked in we were able to write Makenzie's name on a card and decorate it anyway we wanted to. After a small speech and beautiful song we were given the chance to go up to the table and light a candle for our babies. Everyone got up and said who they were honoring. I feel blessed that I was able to go up (with tears) and say "I'm lighting this candle for my daughter Makenzie who was stillborn April 29th, 2011 at 40wks and 3 days to unknown causes. We miss you so very much!" After everyone was done there was another song and we were able to gather and meet and share our sadness with those who truly "get it". I had one woman who came up to me and she just wanted to share that she just lost her daughter (2months ago) and that our story was similar to Makenzie's. It saddens me to hear others who have to go through this pain but at least we're not alone. We talked and shared for a long while and exchanged phone numbers in case we needed some to talk to. It's so nice to have those new friends to help you through the day. I have met so many new friends in this horrible club but to see some hope on some of those faces and to see little ones running around...how could that not give you hope?
I want to thank my brother-in-law and my soon to be sister-in-law and my good friend from work for being there for me! I know that you both have had a loss in your life and that I will always be there for you guys as you have been here for us! Thank you for the support!
And to my husband...I know that you couldn't make it but I know that Makenzie was with us both and smiling down on us! I love you and want to say that you have been my BIGGEST support. There is no one I would want to go through this with than with you...Makenzie's daddy! You sure did help make a beautiful little angel!
My dearest Makenzie,
Today we light a candle for you and even though that candle may fade, the candle in our hearts will never dim. For the love that we have for you and the love that you have showed us will always keep it lit and one day will help guide us to you.
Love always, Mommy and Daddy
Friday, October 14, 2011
Our appointment and the flash of fear
We had our doctors appointment with our new doctor (Makenzie's retired on us!). As we were waiting to be seen a woman and her newborn came in...even though the baby was covered I could tell it was a newborn by the tiny sounds she was making. I knew it was a girl because she has the same car seat as Makenzie. I almost feel apart. I shouldn't have to be at this appointment. I should be having fun with my daughter. But that's not the case and we have to find a great doctor who will understand what we went through and to treat us a little differently than his other patients.
So we get into our appointment and Dr. Majors comes in and shakes our hands "lets look at your history and see where were at....(as he looks I'm sure it just says 'THEIR BABY DIED AT 40WKS & 3DAYS!!!!!!')...ok that changes things. Lets talk about what we're going to do for you." He then tells us that we will be coming in more after 30wks and having more ultrasounds and NST (non-stress test) and possibly a amniocentesis (amniotic fluid that is removed from the amniotic sac to test for fetal lung maturity) at 37wks and induction around 38-39wks. He said that he wished he could say that he hasn't dealt with this before but he said that he's seen about everything and he might become a basket case when it come to monitoring the baby. That made us feel really safe.
We were able to use our Doppler we got and it was hard to find the heartbeat at first (sometimes at 12 wks it might be too faint) and my heart I'm sure skipped a beat until he found it...160!! He said that it's good and strong. Making babies and keeping them until they are full term is not our problem...we're praying that this outcome will be better than the last. We really like that fact that the doctor's office is right across from the hospital and that if he's not there for some reason that he works with 4 other great doctors who will take our situation into great care and compassion. One week at a time for us!
After that appointment I felt a huge feeling of guilt and fear. Guilt because we wouldn't be having this baby if Makenzie was still here and fear because this one can end the same way as last. But I love this baby as much as I love Makenzie, even if this love is newer than with Makenzie only because I had the pleasure of knowing Makenzie longer because my love grew every day with her. I'm 13 wks today and every day my love for the jelly bean grows as it did with Makenzie.
I still think about Makenzie every second and wonder what she's doing and if she's being a good girl or a little monster like her mom! It has been a while since I've cried and for some reason I feel bad for that. Like I'm a bad mom for not crying every second of the day even though I miss her dearly every second. And of coarse I'm crying right now as I write this but I still feel bad for not crying more. It's almost like I'm too busy to sit down and think about the fact that on Oct 29th it will mark 6 months already. Either that or I don't want to think about it... it hurts too much to think about it every day. Instead I think about Makenzie and how beautiful she is.
Tomorrow is Oct 15th worldwide, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. We'll be lighting a candle for our daughter and I'm sure I'll be a mess that day. But I'll be with some good friends that have showed so much support so I know I'll be in good hands.
A little side note: I had a dream last night that there was a butterfly (yellow and black one) that was everywhere I was and every time I would sand still it would land on me and flutter it's wings. I believe that it was Makenzie in my dreams. I've only had one dream where I actually saw Makenzie (as a little girl not a baby) and all the other dreams have been with a butterfly. But they aren't as often as I'd like but I'll take them whenever I can.
So we get into our appointment and Dr. Majors comes in and shakes our hands "lets look at your history and see where were at....(as he looks I'm sure it just says 'THEIR BABY DIED AT 40WKS & 3DAYS!!!!!!')...ok that changes things. Lets talk about what we're going to do for you." He then tells us that we will be coming in more after 30wks and having more ultrasounds and NST (non-stress test) and possibly a amniocentesis (amniotic fluid that is removed from the amniotic sac to test for fetal lung maturity) at 37wks and induction around 38-39wks. He said that he wished he could say that he hasn't dealt with this before but he said that he's seen about everything and he might become a basket case when it come to monitoring the baby. That made us feel really safe.
We were able to use our Doppler we got and it was hard to find the heartbeat at first (sometimes at 12 wks it might be too faint) and my heart I'm sure skipped a beat until he found it...160!! He said that it's good and strong. Making babies and keeping them until they are full term is not our problem...we're praying that this outcome will be better than the last. We really like that fact that the doctor's office is right across from the hospital and that if he's not there for some reason that he works with 4 other great doctors who will take our situation into great care and compassion. One week at a time for us!
After that appointment I felt a huge feeling of guilt and fear. Guilt because we wouldn't be having this baby if Makenzie was still here and fear because this one can end the same way as last. But I love this baby as much as I love Makenzie, even if this love is newer than with Makenzie only because I had the pleasure of knowing Makenzie longer because my love grew every day with her. I'm 13 wks today and every day my love for the jelly bean grows as it did with Makenzie.
I still think about Makenzie every second and wonder what she's doing and if she's being a good girl or a little monster like her mom! It has been a while since I've cried and for some reason I feel bad for that. Like I'm a bad mom for not crying every second of the day even though I miss her dearly every second. And of coarse I'm crying right now as I write this but I still feel bad for not crying more. It's almost like I'm too busy to sit down and think about the fact that on Oct 29th it will mark 6 months already. Either that or I don't want to think about it... it hurts too much to think about it every day. Instead I think about Makenzie and how beautiful she is.
Tomorrow is Oct 15th worldwide, pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. We'll be lighting a candle for our daughter and I'm sure I'll be a mess that day. But I'll be with some good friends that have showed so much support so I know I'll be in good hands.
A little side note: I had a dream last night that there was a butterfly (yellow and black one) that was everywhere I was and every time I would sand still it would land on me and flutter it's wings. I believe that it was Makenzie in my dreams. I've only had one dream where I actually saw Makenzie (as a little girl not a baby) and all the other dreams have been with a butterfly. But they aren't as often as I'd like but I'll take them whenever I can.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Meeting
Today I had a good day. It was my day off and sent most of it at home. Chris did have a work meeting tonight and asked if I wanted to go... they were doing a chili cook-off. On our way there I asked if there was anyone I would know (the meeting was for a Master Builders Assoc. that he's a member of for his work, so it's not people from his job...more like networking) he said that his boss was going to be there. My heart stopped for a moment. I haven't seen his boss since the last time I was pregnant with Makenzie (late into my pregnancy). He's a very nice man but I've heard of some of the sweet things that he's said to Chris and I wasn't sure if I was ready to hear any of it tonight. But all he did was hug me and said that I looked good and a big congrats on pregnancy #2. He also said that he prays for us everyday. It was nice. There was also a few others that I've met at one of the other meetings (again when I was super pregnant with Makenzie). They knew what had happened and all they did was congratulate me on baby #2. It almost hurt worst when they didn't say anything about Makenzie. I know they meant well and I know that they have said things about Makenzie to Chris but I still wanted to scream "I still miss my daughter Makenzie!!!" Just because I'm pregnant again doesn't mean that I'm "fixed".
To all the baby loss moms out there that read my blog.....
I know how it feels to read someone else's blog who are pregnant or have recently had a baby and I really don't want to cause you the same pain but this is my story...life without Makenzie. I don't have my daughter here in person (always in spirit) and I have to deal with that every second but this is a new chapter in my book, my life. This chapter is new, scary, and a little hopeful. I know that not every pregnancy is the same but when you've lost a child the pregnancies after that loss will never be the same...there will always be a sliver (in some cases way more) of doubt that this pregnancy will lead to a "take-home baby". So for the baby loss moms, I pray that you will all find your way in your own stories and remember that there are people out there who know how you might be feeling (even if they are pregnant again).
To all the baby loss moms out there that read my blog.....
I know how it feels to read someone else's blog who are pregnant or have recently had a baby and I really don't want to cause you the same pain but this is my story...life without Makenzie. I don't have my daughter here in person (always in spirit) and I have to deal with that every second but this is a new chapter in my book, my life. This chapter is new, scary, and a little hopeful. I know that not every pregnancy is the same but when you've lost a child the pregnancies after that loss will never be the same...there will always be a sliver (in some cases way more) of doubt that this pregnancy will lead to a "take-home baby". So for the baby loss moms, I pray that you will all find your way in your own stories and remember that there are people out there who know how you might be feeling (even if they are pregnant again).
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
First Appointment
Yesterday was our first appointment to confirm that we're indeed pregnant. It hasn't felt real until after our ultrasound.
Sitting in the waiting room was a little nerve wrecking. The last time I was in that office was at my 6 week follow-up after Makenzie was born. There was a lot of cry last time I was there. This time I was so worried that my doctor was going to say that there was no baby...or no heartbeat that my nurse had to take my blood pressure twice because it was so high. When our doctor came in (we didn't have to wait long to see him, thank God) he asked how I was feeling and all I said was "nervous". He smiled and told me that was to be expected and that he wouldn't make us wait any longer on starting the ultrasound. When I saw the little blob on the screen the doctor said that was our little baby and everything looked great so far. "Do you see that? That's the heart beating." I couldn't help but cry. To see this baby with a heartbeat meant that my fears were gone for that single second...knowing that this is real and that there's a little person growing inside me. But then the fears came rushing back. Knowing that these next 7 months are going to be tough. Knowing that there is no guarantee in the end.
After the ultrasound I had some questions about things that have been on my mind and all he kept saying was "let's make your worry list longer..." He was joking with us that no matter what we do there will always be SOMETHING to worry about. He kept saying that what happened with Makenzie was just a fluke and that the chances of that happening again is so small that we shouldn't worry so much about it. Easy for him to say, not so easy for me to do.
It still feels a little surreal that it happened to fast for us. But I wonder if God felt bad for taking Makenzie away from us, so he blessed us with this pregnancy as so as we knew we were ready. All we can do is pray to Him and ask for guidance and hope. Pray that everything will turn out in the end. We pray to Makenzie to be our Angel and to watch over us everyday.
After our appointment I felt better. Felt like maybe this time around we can be parents to a living child. But until then, I'll have to find ways to stay sane.
My dearest Makenzie,
Please know that we love you and miss you every second of the day. We pray that you are watching over us and smiling. We pray that you continue to touch our lives with your love. Please know that as we go through this pregnancy with your little brother or sister that you will be on our minds and in our hearts and he/she will know that you are their big sister, their Guardian Angel. Mommy tells the little jelly bean all about you and how special you are to us. You will never be forgotten but you will always be missed. Mommy love you very much!
Love Mommy
Sitting in the waiting room was a little nerve wrecking. The last time I was in that office was at my 6 week follow-up after Makenzie was born. There was a lot of cry last time I was there. This time I was so worried that my doctor was going to say that there was no baby...or no heartbeat that my nurse had to take my blood pressure twice because it was so high. When our doctor came in (we didn't have to wait long to see him, thank God) he asked how I was feeling and all I said was "nervous". He smiled and told me that was to be expected and that he wouldn't make us wait any longer on starting the ultrasound. When I saw the little blob on the screen the doctor said that was our little baby and everything looked great so far. "Do you see that? That's the heart beating." I couldn't help but cry. To see this baby with a heartbeat meant that my fears were gone for that single second...knowing that this is real and that there's a little person growing inside me. But then the fears came rushing back. Knowing that these next 7 months are going to be tough. Knowing that there is no guarantee in the end.
After the ultrasound I had some questions about things that have been on my mind and all he kept saying was "let's make your worry list longer..." He was joking with us that no matter what we do there will always be SOMETHING to worry about. He kept saying that what happened with Makenzie was just a fluke and that the chances of that happening again is so small that we shouldn't worry so much about it. Easy for him to say, not so easy for me to do.
It still feels a little surreal that it happened to fast for us. But I wonder if God felt bad for taking Makenzie away from us, so he blessed us with this pregnancy as so as we knew we were ready. All we can do is pray to Him and ask for guidance and hope. Pray that everything will turn out in the end. We pray to Makenzie to be our Angel and to watch over us everyday.
After our appointment I felt better. Felt like maybe this time around we can be parents to a living child. But until then, I'll have to find ways to stay sane.
My dearest Makenzie,
Please know that we love you and miss you every second of the day. We pray that you are watching over us and smiling. We pray that you continue to touch our lives with your love. Please know that as we go through this pregnancy with your little brother or sister that you will be on our minds and in our hearts and he/she will know that you are their big sister, their Guardian Angel. Mommy tells the little jelly bean all about you and how special you are to us. You will never be forgotten but you will always be missed. Mommy love you very much!
Love Mommy
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